Remaining Hope Filled

I work on staying filled with hope - it doesn't always happen automatically.

One book I pick up to re-fill my hope is a little inspirational volume by Roy Lessin -

365 Day Brighteners Reflections from the Heart of God.

ISBN 259449153-4

Roy Lessin's inspirational words are highlighted and then a word from scripture - today was Lamentations 3:22,23 NRSV "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."

How do you remain filled with hope?

Brush Fires in your Relationship

We live on a rural property that constantly needs attention. Things grow faster than we can take care of them, so in our few and far-between hours of leisure my husband goes out to cut up fallen brush and piles it to burn.

There's one spot that has quite a large pile (it was started already before we arrived), and last year Robert tried to reduce it by burning.

The fire began with some difficulty due to the rain in the days prior, however once that blaze took hold it burned with a fierce intensity. That pile of brush and scrub, diseased wood, leaves and dead weeds burned for three days. Fortunately the pile was surrounded by a swampy area so there wasn't any danger of the fire spreading. Three days of flame - smaller and greater as the different types of debris burned.

You'd think after three days there would only be ash - however a large pile still stood. Then it rained again. That pile smoked for three weeks after the flames were doused. It was still hot. We believed there were hollow logs still smoldering amongst the pile. Finally the pile cooled, and there was no more smoke.

Quite a bit had burned, leaving heaps of ash.

Later in the spring, plants began to sprout from the ash. Those plants - we didn't know what type - continued to grow till they covered what what left of the debris pile.

The stalks grew thicker than my wrist and the feathery leaves were two or three feet across. Bright red berries appeared and the birds were ecstatic with their new food source. We hadn't planted anything in the ash, yet something beautiful and useful grew from the debris we burned.

How does this connect to encouragement?

At times in our marriage we have collected emotional brush piles.

Those piles separate us from our spouse. There are disappointments, unresolved disagreements, and hurtful words in those piles. There are unsupported dreams, unknown desires and ignored advice in those brush piles. Nothing there is useful - the pile itself is debris.

My suggestion is to burn it.

But how?

Bring everything to the Lord in prayer and let His power consume that emotional brush pile till nothing is left. Except maybe ash, so something good and useful can grow.

Uplift with persistent prayer - Encourage both your spouse and yourself.

Validation

My son showed me this video on YouTube.

Use 15 minutes of your time - you'll feel good!

Why are you encouraging your spouse? Focus on the big picture.

Sometimes when you give your spouse that little verbal pat on the back, it can be done without much thought. He or she does something nice, performs well, or needs a positive word, and you respond. No biggie. Easily accomplished. Moving on to more important things…


There’s an oft-used story about three bricklayers’ attitude to their work that can be used to illustrate this:
The story goes, that three bricklayers are working side by side.

They’re asked by a visitor, "What are you doing?"

The first bricklayer replies, "I'm laying bricks to earn a living. My family needs to eat."

The second bricklayer answers, "I’m laying bricks to build this wall. A guy over there taught me what to do and everyday I show up to put one brick on top of another. I guess someday they’ll tell me I’m done and I’ll move on to another wall."

The third bricklayer when asked the very same question, "What are you doing?", responds, "I'm building a cathedral. It’ll be to the honor and glory of God. I’m helping to create something for my family - my children and grandchildren will benefit along with generations who will come here to praise and honor God. It’ll be so beautiful. Would you like to help along?”

As you enter 2009, and work on your relationship with your spouse, ask yourself “Why am I encouraging?”

Do you encourage just because it fulfills a need, or it’s what you know you’re supposed to do?

Or do you encourage your spouse because you have a vision of how life could be great together – filled with purpose and peace?

Keep your eye on the greater purpose – the macro picture – as you encourage your spouse! Make 2009 a year to celebrate.

When it's time to lean...

Times are a little tough right now.

People are hurting financially, and emotionally. Even if you're not directly affected by the economic climate, you may struggle. Sometimes worries afflict - the worst-case scenario plays over and over in your mind, zapping strength and motivation.

Perhaps you're not feeling particularly strong these days.

"Lean on me when you're not strong..." the first stanza of that popular song says. Who can you lean on? Who can provide strength?

As Christians we lean on Jesus - He can fulfill all our needs in a perfect way. He's first.

Maybe we can also lean on our parents, or friends, or extended family.

Can we also lean on our spouse?

We can if they really know us:

• We can lean on our spouse if they know our needs.
• We can lean on our spouse if they know our fears.
• We can lean on our spouse if they know what brings us joy.
• We can lean on our spouse if they know what motivates us.
• We can lean on our spouse if they know what we value.

Being encouraged isn't all about the other person taking action. Your participation in the process is necessary. Have you taken the time to share intimate knowledge of yourself with your spouse? They're not mind readers, you know.

God knows all things - not your spouse!

If you're feeling the need to lean - to be encouraged - I challenge you to arrange an intimate, quiet few hours with your spouse. Tell them you want to be alone together to talk and you need them to listen.

Is this idea scary?

Most of us don't walk around naked - either in body or spirit. Sharing hearts - being naked emotionally - is much harder than climbing into bed to experience physical intimacy with your spouse. It can feel excruciating to expose deep emotions.

It's OK to begin small. Uncover one aspect of what you're feeling at the start. Try exposing only one fear to your spouse. They may surprise you and provide a loving shoulder to lean on. That's one way to feel encouraged - to feel validated because your spouse has intimate knowledge of who you are.

Validating with intimate knowledge may be the most elusive of all the seven encouragement actions because it requires transparency. Emotional intimacy doesn't come easily. Guessing will not work when your spouse wants to validate your needs, fears, or joys. Your spouse needs something to work with and it's up to you to share.

God can use your spouse to encourage you. After you've taken your concerns to the Lord in prayer, try sharing with the one you married. Experience how your spouse's ability to encourage you will deepen - from a puddle to a bottomless well.

Being Connected

We live in a busy world.
Lots of rushing around.
So many responsibilities.


There's the stress that kids create in a marriage.
There's the concern over money issues.
There are in-law and out-law relationship battles.


How do you and your spouse stay connected?


1. Being connected to your spouse takes time.

2. Being connected to your spouse takes effort.

3. Being connected to your spouse takes perseverance.





From my research, and speaking with couples , I've found most do at least these three things to stay connected with each other (there are other things but these are the top three)

• Plan specific, daily time together ... as an example, one couple will dedicate the first 15 minutes when the husband comes home from work to lay together on their bed, close the door on the children, and talk together.


• Reminisce ... another couple will look through their picture albums to bring back all the happy memories from their life together and then post some of those pictures on their computer monitors as a screen saver


• Write notes ... sometimes those notes are informal sentences on a scrap of paper, or a quick email. Sometimes they're elaborate cards, and sometimes those notes are long letters of appreciation. The magic ingredient in every note is the tangible, written evidence of one spouse reaching out to the other to stay connected.

Do you want to stay connected with your spouse? Try one of these three actions.

Feeling connected to your spouse will create powerful opportunities to encourage. Encouragement can transform your life. So... Stay connected!

Water with Encouragement

My house plants get a lot of exercise.

They wilt.

They revive.

They wilt, and they revive once more.

What's the miracle that brings back their strength?

Water. It's a simple thing, yet vital to a plant's ability to live.

In life, we face challenges that can make us wilt.

The drive to succeed can run out of steam.

A will to thrive can sputter to a halt.

The ability to get up, one more time, after a disappointment can seem impossible.

Have you or your spouse ever felt wilted - unable to rebound? What can revive your spouse's drive?

A drink of cool, clear, refreshing Encouragement might make the difference.

Encouragement can take the form of hope - telling your spouse you'll be together to build a bright future. Talking and planning for the future can revive the desire to succeed.

Encouragement can take the form of faith - reminding your spouse of the greatness of God, and how God can make a difference in your lives. Encouragement ends in the letter "t". The shape of the cross. Bringing your spouse (literally or figuratively) to a point they can experience Christ will encourage them.

Encouragement can take the form of love - love that's based on who your spouse is, not a reflection of their behavior. Showing love through intimate, physical touch can encourage them.

Encouragement can take the form of prayer - the silent prayer between God and you, asking the One who can change circumstances for help. Or letting your spouse hear you pray for them - that will bring encouragement.

Encouragement can take the form of joy-filled zeal - the pitching in with physical labor, the lending a hand in a practical way, or the simple act of "being present" for your spouse is a way to encourage.

Encouragement can take the form of new insight - ideas and suggestions, research into a problem, or referring them to someone who has been in their situation will encourage your spouse.

Encouragement can take the form of validating them with your intimate knowledge - you know your spouse best. You're an expert on your spouse. Help them see themselves through your eyes - give them a picture of the amazing person you know.

7 ways to give your spouse a needed, and life-giving drink of water - Encouragement.

If you encourage your spouse more than I water my plants... maybe you'll even prevent a wilting of their spirit!

Practice Gratitude

When was the last time you were thankful for your spouse? Thankful for the person he or she is - character traits, talents, attitudes, actions and words ...

Today?

Yesterday?

Last week, or month? Maybe last year... what about in the last 10 years?

It doesn't matter when last you practiced being thankful - what matters is that you begin now. Yes. Now. Right now.

And what's one powerful way to express this gratitude - this thankfulness for your spouse? Take action in prayer. Tell the One who provided. Begin with Him.

If you talk to God about how thankful you are for your spouse, you'll focus on what's right in your marriage - it'll uplift you. And if you're praying with your spouse and they hear you, you'll encourage them also.

So, now it gets personal... what sort of things are you thankful for in your spouse?

Here 's what some couples I've spoken with list as things they're thankful for in their spouse:

• how he brings her Hershey's with Almonds


• how she makes the food he likes, just the way he likes it


• how he's fair & non-judgemental


• her patience


• his work ethic


• how he makes her laugh, even in the worst times


• how she always pays the bills


• knowing that she prays for him


• knowing that he likes to play board games

Thankfulness in big things - thankfulness in little things... it doesn't matter. Just be thankful.

I challenge you to make your own list, and the next time you pray with your spouse express this thankfulness. (What if all you did in your prayer is give thanks?)

It might become a habit - to uplift each other with persistant prayer.

Prayer - another way to encourage your spouse.

Seeds of Hope

Being able to look forward with anticipation ...

Having the expectation that good will happen ...

Working toward a goal that will build up ...

How developed is your ability to hope?

Hope is like a seed - it has all the elements to grow into something wonderful if nurtured. How can you nurture hope in yourself and your spouse?

Recently I found a lovely little product in a gift shop: "Seeds of Hope"

They are 12 little cards with an affirmation on each card - all so you can nurture hope. Here's a couple of examples:

"When you choose love over fear, hope will surprise you with new possibilities."

"Fill your heart with hope. Anything is possible!"

The description on the package is "This little packet is full of encouragement. With it you can stoke your heart. Be reminded how much you are treasured. And wrap yourself in hope, tender as a hug."

In addition to these 12 - 3x3 sized cards, there are also seeds. Yes. Real seeds to plant.

Lovely.

If you're interested - go to http://www.gentlyspoken.com/ to learn more.

I'm not selling anything, nor do I know this person, or receive anything... it's just a product I fell in love with! Sometimes I need help keeping my own hope alive!

Do you raise up - or cross out?

Imagine a paper - 8 1/2 by 11, white - with a signature written on it.

Now imagine preparing to draw a line on the paper. One straight line drawn horizontally across the page. What do you do with your line?



The line is you & that special, unique signature is your spouse.

We can either support our spouse's signature with our line - or we can cross it out.

Our spouses want us to support them. It's important to them that we notice and value their talents and positive qualities. Doing that we raise them up.

However, at times (sometimes even without realizing) we cross them out. How?

Criticism crosses them out - especially in public.
Doubt in their abilities crosses them out.
Busyness crosses them out.
Indifference about their dreams crosses them out.

There's more - but you get the idea. It's not a violent act, it's not always a premeditated act, but it does cross them out, instead of supporting them.

Be the line under your spouse's signature - raising them up, supporting them - not crossing them out!

Inspire with Hope - being an optimist will help!

According to research there's only a 25% chance you've been born with an optimist's DNA ...

However, there's a whole group of people walking around this planet choosing to look at the good in life - hoping for a great future.
We choose how we're going to behave. Are you choosing to be an optimist?

Here's why being optimistic will help you inspire yourself and your spouse with hope ...

1) If you are optimistic, you're more likely to set goals - having hope for a great future.

2) If you are optimistic, your goals will lead you to develop (new) skills, and practice those skills to achieve your goals. Taking action toward your goals is a sign of an optimist.

3) If you are optimistic, your new, practiced skills will create a feeling of "flow"* - of being competent, and in control. Then you'll enjoy successful outcomes.

4) If you are optimistic, your successful outcomes will make you feel and act with joy, leading you to more hope for a greater future.

It's a cycle - become an optimist and inspire with hope! Encourage your spouse.

To learn more go to www.encourageyourspouse.com

* Flow is a concept proposed by positive psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályi.

If Peace in marriage was described using music...

In music, harmony is the pleasing blending of notes to enhance the melody.

In marriage, peace provides a harmony to compliment purpose.

If spouses have purpose in their marriage, then peace becomes the satisfying note to give purpose added dimension. Using music to illustrate peace, harmony would be like consonance in intervals - notes that sound pleasing when played at the same time. The notes sound stable. Peace provides stability.

In addition, peace is not passive - it's an active state. Think of a line of harmony in a song (alto, tenor, or bass). Harmony doesn't remain on one note regardless of the melody; rather it follows the melody, creating a pleasing distinction. Just as peace can follow a couple through their life, complimenting new experiences.

How can you tell when peace is a part of marriage? It shows by how each spouse knows and accepts the underlying motivation of the other - regardless of outward actions. Peace provides stability. Each spouse is secure in their understanding of the other's decisions, because they are united in purpose. Peace provides the harmony to the melody of purpose.

Every marriage can have harmony. However, in music there is more than one style of harmony. Will your marriage harmony be like consonance, which can be compared to peace? The other concept in music harmony is called dissonance - where the interval between notes is uncomfortable. That interval isn’t considered stable according to a musical dictionary.

• consonance - notes put together to sound stable, and pleasing to the ear


• dissonance - notes that are uncomfortable together - the listener's ear is waiting for a change of note to make the sound comfortable

You’ll have to take a look at your marriage and decide what kind of interval and harmony you’d like to live. My desire is that both of you will feel & learn the interval of consonance, thereby the peace of harmony in your marriage.

Shared harmony equals shared peace.

A note on peace: The most precious peace is from God, through Christ Jesus. Only He can give true peace. Read John 14:25-27 to begin to understand that peace.

Join me next time, as I introduce the first of - 7 deliberate actions - using encouragement to bring peace and purpose into your marriage relationship.

If Purpose in marriage was like music...

If purpose in marriage were compared to music,

then purpose would be the melody.

Melody has a direction - a beginning, middle and end. It moves. It soars or plunges and, at some point, it ends. However, there is always more than one melody we love – more than one melody we want to repeat or learn. Melody is like purpose in a marriage. There are times when a purpose comes to an end, and it’s time to find and begin a new purpose.

Think of a piece of music currently on the radio or from your childhood. Chances are it's the melody you remember. It’ll be the melody you hum. A familiar melody can evoke emotion – the remembered joy of an experience, or the poignant memory of a time that can’t be repeated.

Purpose in your marriage is like the melody of a song. If you sing the same melody, it'll be a testimony to your life together. And as you continue your marriage journey, you’ll begin, travel through and end a number of activities that will unite you in purpose. Those purposes will highlight the unique offerings of two souls united.

• Sometimes melody is in a major key - that's the joy and inspiration of the happy times – the successes.


• Other times melody is in a minor key - that's the sorrow and trial everyone must work through.

In life, others will hear your marriage melody and take joy in it. Maybe, as they encounter similar life challenges, they'll try to learn your unique marriage melody and adapt it to their marriage.

In the end, all of our marriages – no matter what season they’re in - have a melody. My desire is that each spouse hums the same melody at the same time - a marriage melody on tune and in key!

Shared Melody equals shared Purpose!

My goal for this blog is to...

teach wives and husbands
that are committed to a future together
to use the power of encouragement
- there are 7 deliberate actions they can take-
to bring peace and purpose
into their marriage relationship.

If you want to know more go to http://www.encourageyourspouse.com/ , or come back to learn more about each of the seven deliberate actions and how you can use them in your marriage!