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To be Engaged

It isn't just a time period preceding marriage.

Engagement

• To be meshed
• To be interlocked
• To be embedded, built into or attached to another part

That's what marriage can be.

Two people working together like clock-work. They're separate and yet enmeshed - their ability to work together becomes a blessing for others.

Be engaged with your spouse.

Tangible Encouragement

Sometimes encouragement can take a tangible form.

On a cold, dreary day a hot bowl of homemade soup with a side of crusty warm bread can feel comforting.

Never underestimate the power of warmth. The one you love may not always be close, but if they are, then reach out - provide a warm, loving gesture.

A gesture could be food. Or that warm, loving gesture might take a more intimate form. The choice is yours. Encourage and warm your spouse from the inside out. ;-)

Like a seedling...

HOPE needs to be nurtured.

What are you hoping the Lord will do in your life?

Do you talk about that hope with your spouse?

Do you pray for it?

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)

A smile...

from the one you love ...

can be the best encouragement!

An Encouraging Statement

Marriage is...

sharing your vulnerable spots,

knowing they'll be gently kissed.

Using Our Stash

I've been sewing costumes the last two weeks - costumes for a children's Christmas program. (You know the scenario - young children singing and playing the parts of Mary, Joseph, shepherds, angels and wisemen, with parents and grandparents looking on, beaming smiles and mouthing the words they've taught their little ones.)

To begin this self-imposed task, I found a pattern to fit multiple sizes. That was easy.

Then I hunted for the fabric I'd stashed throughout the house. This is fabric I've had for years - it's all good stuff, not cheap - and every piece has some emotional value attached.

So why haven't I used the stuff?

• There are only scraps - Years ago I made our children clothes and I've carted the left-over scraps from one house to the next, but never had a plan on what to make. Maybe I was apprehensive someone would notice the recycled fabric or that I wouldn't have enough to make an entire project, or more likely I wasn't quite ready to let go of the little pieces that had memories attached.
• My great ideas weren't so great - I've had brilliant ideas to create household decorations/window coverings/gifts, and then enthusiastically bought what I needed but... well.... never quite followed through...
• I didn't have a clue - Once upon a time I fell in love with a piece of fabric (or two... or ten) - it's color, or design or texture - and I never found anything worthy of it, or I didn't think I had the skill to make proper use of that gorgeous length of textile.

You know, after all these years, it's been a uniquely satisfying experience to finally create something using this stash.

Taking action to create a complete piece - to choose and combine the right fabric and colors for each costume from what is only in my stash - is exhilarating. My goal for this project was not to purchase, just use what I already have, and I'm feeling successful. Just finally using the stuff feels good.

Now, what does this have to do with encouragement?

Have you stashed away your encouragement?

Have you tucked it away, waiting for a better time, or more time? Have you withheld your encouragement because of emotional baggage- or just not made the effort because you don't feel like it ?

Perhaps you've not been supportive when you could've lent a hand. Or you've gotten too busy or you're just too tired to spend time - time in prayer for your spouse, or time spent listening to understand what's really going on in their heart and mind.

Do you believe your ideas aren't good enough - you're not educated enough, or creative enough to provide insight? Or do you fail to contribute when you could add value or offer a solution to a problem because you're being stubborn?

What if you've been too discouraged to hope - to unearth a bright ray of shining hope for yourself or your husband?

Are you tired of offering the same-old-same-old words? Do you think your spouse is tired of hearing the same-old-same-old and you just can't do it even one more time because it doesn't feel like it helped in the past so why would it help now?

What's happened to your encouraging words and actions? Are you encouraging your spouse? At all?

Here's what I learned while making these costumes with my "stash" that I'd been hoarding for multiple reasons. It relates to encouraging your spouse:

• Just do it. Take action. Bite the bullet. Reach out. Use what you have and don't be afraid of making mistakes. In the end it will be worth it - you'll feel good.
• Even the smallest bit adds value. Small things fill in the gaps. And with the gaps filled, the whole piece is improved.
• Look at the bigger picture. When you pay attention to the end product, you'll see how all the pieces can fit together. You'll become inspired and see that what you have will be enough.
• Old is good. By reusing left-overs, the past is made new.
• Satisfaction comes from action. Seeing what you've done with what you have feels good.

Come on -

you can do it again -

Encourage Your Spouse!

Encouragement Thought

It's Friday again... (where does the week go?)

Encouragement is about caring ...

not fixing!

The value of encouragement...

lies in the change it stimulates.

Just plain-old "rah-rahing" won't make a lasting difference in your spouse's life. (or yours) What does your spouse need?

Does your spouse need to...

• be optimistic about the future? Inspire them with Hope.



• trust God more? Fortify them with Faith.



• feel secure? Foster them with Love.



• feel protected? Uplift them with persistent Prayer.



• feel empowered? Support them with joy-filled Zeal.



• see options? Stimulate them with New Insight.



• feel valued? Validate them with Intimate Knowledge.

Target your encouragement

and notice how your world changes!

An Encouragement Thought - Turn Toward Your Spouse

It's Friday - here's a thought on encouraging your spouse...

When your spouse makes a comment - respond! (in a positive way, of course)



Dr. John Gottman*, a relationship expert, says couples who turn toward each other - and connect - have a higher chance of remaining in a happy marriage.

Encouraging your spouse isn't difficult - it's just about paying attention, then taking action. Even if it's just common chitchat about an unimportant topic, responding in a positive way will keep you both turned toward each other.








*Great research - fascinating book: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver. ISBN: 0-609-80579-7

Completely off topic... (I just had to share)*

Boy, has the fur been flying here. There's been yowling and frantic swipes with claws extended...

No, I'm not talking about Rob and I - it's the cats we "inherited" when we moved into our rural house. (the young girl up the street started out with two cats, and they have... hmmmm.... increased in number)

They're outdoor cats and take care of rodents, snakes, spiders and frogs for me! Over the last four years I've given in and begun feeding them and in gratitude they leave all sundry of "gifts" at the door - including gnawed-on (dead) frogs and a squirrel's tail (just the tail). Those six cats have adopted Robert and I. Every now and again a new cat will show up, but be promptly chased away. By Garfield.

Five out the six cats tolerate me, but Garfield, the orange, male, alpha cat, loves me. He really does. Whenever I come out on the deck he emerges from whatever sheltered spot he's been sleeping in and hops up where I can pet him. And does he purr... (it's loud enough to hear through the sunroom glass)

If I'm writing outside, he'll hop onto the table and the only way I can carry on working is if I push him off. If I'm looking out at the pasture, he'll hop onto the deck railing and try to crawl into my arms to snuggle.

It's odd. He's quite stand-offish with the other cats, but with me, he shows his love.

Today and yesterday have been cool and drippy - not quite raining, but everything is soggy. I think the cats are a little out-of-sorts... This morning there was a a show down between Garfield and an interloper - his younger look-alike!

First I heard the yowling. I thought someone was in pain...

Then I saw Garfield had his look-alike cornered. They attacked each other with claws and teeth, rolling all over the deck in a fury of flying orange fur.

Here's what's left:

Finally the younger gave up and ran away - I caught a picture of him looking at Garfield from the safety of the pond:

And Garfield just sat on the deck looking satisfied:

The other cats are keeping their distance:

*I know. This is completely off the topic of encouragement.

But I just felt like sharing what excitement rules my days as I'm working on my book. (Encourage Your Spouse).

Thank your spouse... today!

'Feeling gratitude
and not expressing it
is like wrapping a present
and not giving it.'

William Ward (1921-1994 - inspirational author)

Great quote, huh?*

I value Robert's ability to persevere. It's one of his main core values and he's demonstrated that quality all through our married life. I probably value that quality because I struggle in that area... ;-)


When was the last time you thanked your spouse for their good qualities - those qualities you value?

Take time today - say it, put it in a card, email it or text - and let the one you love know how thankful you feel!

* ... just a little confession... the reason this quote made such an impact on me is that I'm feeling guilty. Why? I have this present and a hand-made thank-you card sitting in a drawer - it's for a special couple who invited us over for a wonderful dinner and evening in June. Yes, I know. June... :-(

What will your spouse anticipate?

It's interesting - when I step out on the deck in the early morning, the horses come to the fence.

Why?

They expect something good from me.

What do I do?

I feed them carrots, pet and pat them, and praise them softly.

Those actions aren't over-the-top, amazing and outstanding... they're just ways I show the horses how much I like them.

That's what encouraging is about - it's taking action to give your spouse good things.

• new ideas to "chew" on when confronted with challenges
  
• a comforting or soothing touch to show your love
  
• and words of praise for their good qualities

When your spouse sees you first thing in the morning, do they anticipate something good?

An Encouragement Thought

It's Friday - here's an encouragement "thought" ...

Your differences are not the problem -

refusing to accept the differences or not even noticing the differences causes the problem.

How can you make your differences into a positive?

Where are you going?

After you've been married for a while, experienced all the joys (and frustrations) of marriage, perhaps reached goals at work, been involved in faith activities, explored hobbies and even raised children, a question may percolate...

"Is that all there is?"

Why would you ask that question?

I think it's because there's no map, no direction, or a stated purpose to drive your thoughts, actions and activities in life.

• Many businesses have a mission, vision and value statement. Does yours?
• Many churches have mission, vision and value statements. What is yours?
• Individuals can be filled with purpose and have mission statements. Do you?

What about your marriage relationship?

Do you and your spouse have a stated purpose - a list of values that you hold as a barometer - a mission greater than yourselves you're working toward?

If you do - Wonderful!

What is it? Do you have it in a place of honor or displayed so everyone can see it. (and that it reminds you daily?)

What if you don't have a Marriage Mission/Vision/Value Statement?

We tend to display things we're proud of - the medal we've won, or a diploma, or a photo showing us meeting a hero. We also display things we value. Take a look around your home - maybe you haven't looked at what's hanging on the walls lately.

Often Christians display certain Bible verses important to them... what is displayed in your home?

Our home has two (permanently displayed) verses:

"...as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" Joshua 24:15 NKJV

and

"Ask and it will be given to you, Seek and you will find, Knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7 NIV

What do you have displayed that demonstrates what you value? Do both you and your spouse agree on its value - its importance?

Take an inventory today. What does it say about your direction in life?

If you could display anything, what would it be? What direction would your display show?

When real encouragement happens ...

... a caring heart can talk to "fear".

Fear is often unnamed, unacknowledged, and unaddressed. But it can bring havoc into our married life.

We see the effects of fear - procrastination, withdrawal, jealousy, anger, indecisiveness, paranoia or stress. Yet we're unable to call them by their true name because our spouse is so caught up in the effect.

How do you encourage your spouse and speak with a caring heart to name fear - acknowledge the fear - address the fear?

First remind yourself and the one you love that:

God is Great.

The Greatest.

Omnipotent.

Reminisce over instances where God has impacted your loved one's life. Remind your spouse how God has used His power to change circumstances.

Sometimes your spouse is too close to their own history to do their own translation - they're so swallowed up by fear to see clearly. That's why understanding the events in your spouse's life is imperative.

It's not about curiosity, it's about being able to validate who God has made your spouse to be.

If you know your spouse's history it'll be easier to translate their life from seemingly random experiences to illustrations of God's intent in forming them.

Then - use your caring heart to refocus your spouse.

• Has your spouse been called to take action? (but they're paralyzed because they don't know how - or they're procrastinating because the task seems too daunting) Provide new insight into the task at hand - do research into that area, talk with people who have mastered the action and gently introduce your spouse to the information you learn. Stimulate your spouse into action with New Insight. And if the situation is appropriate - lend a hand. Be there to support in a physical way.


• Is your spouse called to be patient and wait? (but they're eaten by jealousy, shaking with rage or stressed out because they feel they're being passed over or being taken advantage of) Use prayer to ask God to lift them up. Let your spouse hear you pray for patience and a heart of peace to the One who can intervene and change emotions. Be persistent. And wrap them up in your love. Let your love warm them with its patience, trust and kindness.


• Is your spouse called to change? (but they're blowing back and forth with indecision or withdrawing and isolating themselves) Inspire the one you love with hope - hope for better... more... greater. It requires you to be optimistic - to have a clear picture of what could be - before you can give hope.

When you talk, with a caring heart to your spouse's fears, encourage them to:

• have hope


• increase their faith in God


• dwell on the love they have in their life


• pray unceasingly


• take action (do something positive)


• learn & gather new information


• search for and be true to who God needs them to be

Remember - the only fear with worth is God-fear, because "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge..." Proverbs 1:7 NIV

Encouraging Books - Your Family Journey

In August, Robert and I attended a conference held by Focus on the Family with approximately 85+ in attendance from all over the USA, all wanting to become "Family Champions".

Faith Begins at Home - was the message, with a number of speakers from Focus on the Family and the author of Faith Begins at Home, Mark Holmen.

We left with an array of ideas and tools to encourage parents to build faith at home and not just outsource it to the Sunday School teachers and the church.

One of the books we went home with was Your Family Journey - A guide to building faith at home.

This book is definitely targeted at families with children, but regardless if you're an empty-nester, a young couple just beginning in marriage or the audience the book is targeting, this book is a valuable tool. Why?

• it asks great questions


• it shows how to build a Family Faith Mission statement


• it provides a forum to identify Family Values


• it gives direction on how to write down Family Goals along with the necessary Action Steps


• it covers most of the "what ifs" that stump you

A written plan can overcome some of the biting conflicts which arise in life - it'll help you as a couple and as you lead your family. You'd never set out on a family vacation without a map - why lead your life without a stated, written direction?

I'd also like to recommend hosting one the the Family Champion Training conferences by Focus on the Family. It's a valuable way to provide outreach in your church and community.

If you're interested, here's a link: http://church.family.org/events/

(So... are you wondering what our mission statement for the next 25 years is?)

Encouraging Couples - Gail and Michael Hyatt

There's a couple I've been researching and "following" on Twitter - Gail and Michael Hyatt. They appear to have a marriage where encouragement has had an impact.

Michael Hyatt's Twitter bio reads: "CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishers, avid blogger, husband to @GailHyatt, father of five daughters." He also is a deliberate leader. He writes in his blog:

"...“You and I both know that people today crave leadership. They are dying for role models. They want to see what good leadership looks like—as it is lived out in the challenges of everyday life.”

I continued, “If you are living your life on-purpose, like I know you are, then by Twittering, you are modeling something worth emulating. This is unquestionably the most powerful way to lead.” "

http://michaelhyatt.com/2009/07/twitter-as-a-leadership-tool.html

Gail Hyatt has supported and encouraged her husband in his activities for over 30 years while raising their daughters.

She states in her Twitter profile she is "married to @michaelhyatt, mother to 5 M's, grandmommy to 4, Christ follower, Orthodox Christian".

Gail often travels with her husband and refers to him in her "tweets". She advocates for World Vision, is active in her church activities, spends time helping and adding value to friends & family and writes thought provoking blog posts. (I'm sure there are many other activities not made public - she's someone I'd love to meet!)

Last Valentines Day, Michael Hyatt wrote a post about the top ten things he loves about his wife. http://michaelhyatt.com/2009/02/what-i-love-about-my-wife.html It's a wonderfully affirming list and sketches a three-dimentional picture of a unique woman.

Gail Hyatt responded by writing her own post about her "super-human" husband and her ideas of what her relationship with her husband can hold. Toward the middle of the post, she wrote:

"Early on I asked myself what will be my unique contribution? How can I balance this out? Lots of things came to mind, but THE most important thing I chose to cultivate was a heart of appreciation and the practice of encouragement. It’s proven to be the best gift I could possibly give to Mike and to my family as well."

http://gailbhyatt.wordpress.com/2009/02/14/a-super-human-husband

Here are two people building a marriage over the last 30 years. Through their public, written words and actions they show they value each other.

What 10 attributes do you value most about your spouse? In what way have they made a difference in your life?

Encouraging Couples - John & Margaret Maxwell

I've been searching for couples, living in the public eye, who value the encouragement their spouse provides. Because I don't know them personally, the only way I can gauge their appreciation is by their outward, public behavior and written words.

Robert and I have been reading John Maxwell's books for almost 10 years and have attended a couple of his conferences. We find his leadership books, both secular and faith-based, valuable. John often refers to his wife, Margaret and her role in his life.

In one of his latest books, Put Your Dream to the Test, he both dedicates his book to Margaret but also tells a very moving story of how she made him feel empowered in his dream to be a great leader.

On page 115-116 he tells how, shortly after finishing college and getting married, his first church in rural Indiana could only offer him a small $80 a week salary. And even though it was a part-time salary, Margaret supported him in giving all his energy to the church.

She declared his dream verbally to the church leaders and followed through with her encouragement by working three jobs so he could feel empowered to pursue his dream to be a great leader.

John Maxwell concludes his story by saying, "None of my dreams would have come true without her".

Margaret Maxwell's encouragement and support of her spouse has definitely made difference in the world! She is a great example.


John Maxwell tells the story much better than I can - I encourage you to read it for yourself! http://www.amazon.com/Put-Your-Dream-Test-Questions/dp/0785214127/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1249319733&sr=8-1

Support your spouse with joy-filled zeal.

It will make them feel empowered!

Adding Value - Where does it start?

On our drive to Canada, Robert and I discussed how much we admire our friends and the value they add to our lives - just by living as the people God made them to be.

One over-arching quality found in the people at our anniversary celebration is faith. Faith in and for God. Our friends' faith in God has impacted Robert & I by -

Modeling a life of faith - dedicated to serving God.

• The minister who married Robert and I has retired, yet remains dedicated to spreading the gospel of Christ to all nations. (just as directed in the 25th chapter of Matthew) He and his wife spent years in Asia working to bring God's Word to all they met and still have a heart for those from Asia who now make their home in North America. And even though they are a married couple - working together - each has maintained their separate identity as individuals. They're an awesome team.



• Some of our friends use their God-given talent to praise Him - singing & playing instruments as soloists, in small groups, leading worship or in a choir.



• Others spend hours each week preparing to serve and teach - either behind an altar, in youth activities, Sunday School or just quietly with those they meet who need a word of encouragement. They have been faithful (faith-filled) for years - regardless of age and financial or health concerns.

Adding value to others begins with who we are and how we lead the life God has given us.

Do you strengthen - fortify - those around you (and your spouse)

with your depth and breadth of faith in God?

Our friends and family do and that's one way they've impacted our life!