Holding Hands

Touch communicates love.

I'm sure that statement doesn't surprise you - we're bombarded by images on television and in print of couples touching each other. They're either embracing or kissing or caressing. Or more.

There's another touch between couples that communicates love, and I wonder when the last time you and your spouse reached out and ...

held hands?

I've interviewed a number of couples married more than 50 years. One of the many things I've noticed about their relationship is that they hold hands -or the wife will tuck her arm through the crook of her husband's arm as they walk.

It's touch. It isn't fancy, or overt but it does show two people connected by love.

I challenge you to reach out to your spouse today - and hold their hand. It's one way to encourage - to foster with unconditional love.

Plan to Encourage

Have you heard the old adage, “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail…” ? Planning takes effort – it demands a conscious choice – and it’s an indicator of a proactive person working toward a desired outcome.

If we want to encourage our spouse – to inspire their hope in the future, strengthen their faith, show them unconditional love, lift them up in prayer, support them with joy filled zeal, stimulate them with new insight and validate them with intimate knowledge– then we need to design a plan to encourage them.

A practical plan to start the encouraging process:

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan.” Planning, unlike wishing, will provide results.

Make a list of everything that’s going on in your spouse’s life right now - in your relationship, as a family, at work, in friendships, and in life in general. Do you know? You may see your spouse every day, but when was the last time you sat down and just listened to them?

Design a time to chat. This time is for your spouse to talk and share – you’re there to:

1) Ask kind, gently probing, open-ended questions.
2) Listen to their answers. Be quiet and just listen – do not share your opinions.
3) Watch their eyes – the eyes are the windows to the soul.
4) Pay attention to their body language as they talk about each topic.
5) Notice - through vocal inflection - what they’re excited about or fearful over.
6) Really hear them. Hear the feelings and emotions lying under the words.

Now that you know some of what’s going on in your spouse’s heart, mind and soul, you can build your plan.

As you ask yourself the following questions, write down the anwers:

• How can I inspire them with hope for their future? For our future together?


• How can I bring my faith as a Christian into focus to provide strength – to fortify them?


• How can I notice them – the person they are, not their behavior – and foster them with unconditional love? Love can take the form of an intimate touch, or gentle, nurturing care.


• What can I pray for in their life? Can I pray with them to uplift them? When can it happen?


• What action can I take today to give them my joy-filled support?


• With what new insight into their situation can I stimulate their thinking?


• How can I use my intimate knowledge of my spouse to validate them– to let them know what a unique and special person they are?

Be specific when answering these questions.
Be diligent, and thoughtful.
Be creative and insightful.

Building on small words, ideas and gestures will make your spouse feel wrapped in encouragement, thereby transforming your relationship.

Your plan to encourage will make you a light in your spouse’s life, and a voice of possibility in their ear. You’ll be an encourager. It’s a good thing to be!

Results from 100% + 100%

Last week I spent an afternoon with a couple who have been married 50+ years. Their life is a true example of how encouraging your spouse - supporting with joy-filled zeal - makes life rich and fulfilling.



They began their married life when they were quite young - at least compared to today's couples. They had three children, one of whom is hearing impaired.



Carrying on over the next 50 years, they built their first house together, fought for changes in state policy for the deaf, grew a congregation as a minister and wife, and took care of an elderly parent in their home. In addition, the wife returned to college to get an undergraduate degree and then a masters degree, once the children were grown. They also traveled the globe, and have done things many of us haven't attempted yet.


As I sat listening, I heard how working together in areas that they valued brought them both laughter, joy and tangible success.


From the story of how she got a wheel-barrow for her birthday because they were building their first home, to how he would pick her up at her job and take her to college classes, then drive her back to her job (making sure she had a packed lunch to eat), to venturing out of their comfort zone and going white-water rafting when they were in their sixties - those stories showed me a picture of two people working together to make a great life.



They didn't count the cost of the effort they put into their marriage.



There are two things this couple wanted me to communicate to other married people:



1) trust is the most important part of marriage

2) each spouse must give 100% to the marriage (not 50/50) 100% from him & 100% from her



So what is the result of their trust in each other and each gifting the other 100% ? They have a marriage story showing tangible results echoing their values:

• marriage - a solid, growing marriage relationship of over 50 years


• personal growth - the freedom for each to develop and pursue their desires and interests


• faith - they attend, now in retirement, the same congregation they were instrumental in growing


• education - a degree and master's degree


• family involvement - the satisfaction of nurturing a parent until she passed away


• advocacy - a state organization of parents advocating for their deaf children


• improving the world for their children - changes in state legislation in how deaf children are educated


• hard work - a house that still stands which they built together


• adventure - they have travel and life experiences to share

Guess what? This couple isn't done yet! They're ready for more together, and I'm sure they'll do it all with joy-filled zeal.

I have a lot to learn from them.

Marriage Investment

With the news broadcasts filled with doom and gloom over the economy my thoughts can't help but be targeted on our family investments.

You might think I'm referring to the stuff that starts with a dollar sign. That's not the investment to which I'm referring.

How much do we invest in our marriages?

Our very first investment into marriage is often the Wedding Day.

Robert and I are coming up on 25 years of marriage. We spent perhaps 1/6 th of what is spent today, yet the time and effort was probably very similar to what people do today.

According to the web-site http://www.costofwedding.com/, the average wedding costs $28,000. WOW. Since I read that figure, I've been polling friends, family, co-workers, and forums asking what they spent on their wedding day. So far most have said they spent much less.

To plan a wedding, months are spent in preparation. There are dress fittings, taste testings, phone calls and visits to reception venues and photographers. Hours are spent on the internet researching to find just the right token to give to the guests, or to find a perfect invitation and save-the-date notes cards. And then decisions are made over who will be in the wedding party and invited to the wedding.

So, to get married we invest time, money and effort. To create one perfect day.

Once the Wedding Day is over, how much do we invest in our marriage?

We can do many things to invest in our marraige that cost money - buying books, DVDs or CDs on marriage enrichment, or attending seminars and retreats, going out for dinner, or having an intimate one-on-one couple focused holiday. All these investments will pay out dividends.

But what can you invest in your marriage that doesn't cost money?

Encouraging your spouse will not cost you a dime. Nada. Zilch. Nothing. But it will bring HUGE dividends!

Invest in your marriage - Encourage Your Spouse!

Making a Connection

Yesterday I talked about one way couples choose to stay connected - writing notes.

Many times I hear a husband or wife say - "But I don't know what to write." or "I can't think of anything to say when I see that blank piece of paper or notecard."

To solve that problem, I found a special product. It's "thought cards" by Smiles Made Easy.

This young Canadian mom created little note cards with prompts like "You have a great way of ..." or "You make me happy when ..." or "My favorite thing about you is ...".

Their motto is - We start the thought. You finish it. It's never been so easy to say what you've always wanted!

Here's a quote from Karem's website http://www.smilesmadeeasy.com/:

"... a note-writer by inclination, I have turned writing love notes to my husband into a successful business... I want to make it easy to connect and say things that, in today's hectic world, often don't get said. So be inspiring, reminiscent, goofy, or romantic ... but be sure to say it, and say it often."

What a great mission - encouraging action to stay connected!

There are 5 different tins:

• I Love it When ...
• Remember When ...
• I Have Fun When ...
• I Am Proud When ...
• You're A Great Mom Because ...

Inside each tin: 15 Envelopes, 15 different - 3.2" X 3.9" - thought cards, and one index card.

The tins are small enough to slip into a purse or pocket and write one thought card while sitting at a stop light, or at the bathroom counter before bed to tuck one under your spouse's pillow!

Here's a quote from someone who's used these cards to connect with her husband:

"Smiles Made Easy thought cards was a fantastic gift. I purchased the "Remember When…" set for my husband and had so much fun filling out the cards. He thoroughly enjoyed remembering the moments I had written down from years past and I will never forget the smile it left on his face!"

Maybe you could give one of these little tins as a gift to a couple you know - someone who needs a little boost in how to encourage their spouse?

The website is http://www.smilesmadeeasy.com/ - it's a Canadian company but they do ship to the USA.

Note: I don't know this person or receive anything from this product. I just found it in a card shop and fell in love with the idea. I'm all for making encouragement an easy process!