The value of encouragement...

lies in the change it stimulates.

Just plain-old "rah-rahing" won't make a lasting difference in your spouse's life. (or yours) What does your spouse need?

Does your spouse need to...

• be optimistic about the future? Inspire them with Hope.



• trust God more? Fortify them with Faith.



• feel secure? Foster them with Love.



• feel protected? Uplift them with persistent Prayer.



• feel empowered? Support them with joy-filled Zeal.



• see options? Stimulate them with New Insight.



• feel valued? Validate them with Intimate Knowledge.

Target your encouragement

and notice how your world changes!

An Encouragement Thought - Turn Toward Your Spouse

It's Friday - here's a thought on encouraging your spouse...

When your spouse makes a comment - respond! (in a positive way, of course)



Dr. John Gottman*, a relationship expert, says couples who turn toward each other - and connect - have a higher chance of remaining in a happy marriage.

Encouraging your spouse isn't difficult - it's just about paying attention, then taking action. Even if it's just common chitchat about an unimportant topic, responding in a positive way will keep you both turned toward each other.








*Great research - fascinating book: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver. ISBN: 0-609-80579-7

Completely off topic... (I just had to share)*

Boy, has the fur been flying here. There's been yowling and frantic swipes with claws extended...

No, I'm not talking about Rob and I - it's the cats we "inherited" when we moved into our rural house. (the young girl up the street started out with two cats, and they have... hmmmm.... increased in number)

They're outdoor cats and take care of rodents, snakes, spiders and frogs for me! Over the last four years I've given in and begun feeding them and in gratitude they leave all sundry of "gifts" at the door - including gnawed-on (dead) frogs and a squirrel's tail (just the tail). Those six cats have adopted Robert and I. Every now and again a new cat will show up, but be promptly chased away. By Garfield.

Five out the six cats tolerate me, but Garfield, the orange, male, alpha cat, loves me. He really does. Whenever I come out on the deck he emerges from whatever sheltered spot he's been sleeping in and hops up where I can pet him. And does he purr... (it's loud enough to hear through the sunroom glass)

If I'm writing outside, he'll hop onto the table and the only way I can carry on working is if I push him off. If I'm looking out at the pasture, he'll hop onto the deck railing and try to crawl into my arms to snuggle.

It's odd. He's quite stand-offish with the other cats, but with me, he shows his love.

Today and yesterday have been cool and drippy - not quite raining, but everything is soggy. I think the cats are a little out-of-sorts... This morning there was a a show down between Garfield and an interloper - his younger look-alike!

First I heard the yowling. I thought someone was in pain...

Then I saw Garfield had his look-alike cornered. They attacked each other with claws and teeth, rolling all over the deck in a fury of flying orange fur.

Here's what's left:

Finally the younger gave up and ran away - I caught a picture of him looking at Garfield from the safety of the pond:

And Garfield just sat on the deck looking satisfied:

The other cats are keeping their distance:

*I know. This is completely off the topic of encouragement.

But I just felt like sharing what excitement rules my days as I'm working on my book. (Encourage Your Spouse).

Thank your spouse... today!

'Feeling gratitude
and not expressing it
is like wrapping a present
and not giving it.'

William Ward (1921-1994 - inspirational author)

Great quote, huh?*

I value Robert's ability to persevere. It's one of his main core values and he's demonstrated that quality all through our married life. I probably value that quality because I struggle in that area... ;-)


When was the last time you thanked your spouse for their good qualities - those qualities you value?

Take time today - say it, put it in a card, email it or text - and let the one you love know how thankful you feel!

* ... just a little confession... the reason this quote made such an impact on me is that I'm feeling guilty. Why? I have this present and a hand-made thank-you card sitting in a drawer - it's for a special couple who invited us over for a wonderful dinner and evening in June. Yes, I know. June... :-(

What will your spouse anticipate?

It's interesting - when I step out on the deck in the early morning, the horses come to the fence.

Why?

They expect something good from me.

What do I do?

I feed them carrots, pet and pat them, and praise them softly.

Those actions aren't over-the-top, amazing and outstanding... they're just ways I show the horses how much I like them.

That's what encouraging is about - it's taking action to give your spouse good things.

• new ideas to "chew" on when confronted with challenges
  
• a comforting or soothing touch to show your love
  
• and words of praise for their good qualities

When your spouse sees you first thing in the morning, do they anticipate something good?

An Encouragement Thought

It's Friday - here's an encouragement "thought" ...

Your differences are not the problem -

refusing to accept the differences or not even noticing the differences causes the problem.

How can you make your differences into a positive?

Where are you going?

After you've been married for a while, experienced all the joys (and frustrations) of marriage, perhaps reached goals at work, been involved in faith activities, explored hobbies and even raised children, a question may percolate...

"Is that all there is?"

Why would you ask that question?

I think it's because there's no map, no direction, or a stated purpose to drive your thoughts, actions and activities in life.

• Many businesses have a mission, vision and value statement. Does yours?
• Many churches have mission, vision and value statements. What is yours?
• Individuals can be filled with purpose and have mission statements. Do you?

What about your marriage relationship?

Do you and your spouse have a stated purpose - a list of values that you hold as a barometer - a mission greater than yourselves you're working toward?

If you do - Wonderful!

What is it? Do you have it in a place of honor or displayed so everyone can see it. (and that it reminds you daily?)

What if you don't have a Marriage Mission/Vision/Value Statement?

We tend to display things we're proud of - the medal we've won, or a diploma, or a photo showing us meeting a hero. We also display things we value. Take a look around your home - maybe you haven't looked at what's hanging on the walls lately.

Often Christians display certain Bible verses important to them... what is displayed in your home?

Our home has two (permanently displayed) verses:

"...as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" Joshua 24:15 NKJV

and

"Ask and it will be given to you, Seek and you will find, Knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7 NIV

What do you have displayed that demonstrates what you value? Do both you and your spouse agree on its value - its importance?

Take an inventory today. What does it say about your direction in life?

If you could display anything, what would it be? What direction would your display show?

When real encouragement happens ...

... a caring heart can talk to "fear".

Fear is often unnamed, unacknowledged, and unaddressed. But it can bring havoc into our married life.

We see the effects of fear - procrastination, withdrawal, jealousy, anger, indecisiveness, paranoia or stress. Yet we're unable to call them by their true name because our spouse is so caught up in the effect.

How do you encourage your spouse and speak with a caring heart to name fear - acknowledge the fear - address the fear?

First remind yourself and the one you love that:

God is Great.

The Greatest.

Omnipotent.

Reminisce over instances where God has impacted your loved one's life. Remind your spouse how God has used His power to change circumstances.

Sometimes your spouse is too close to their own history to do their own translation - they're so swallowed up by fear to see clearly. That's why understanding the events in your spouse's life is imperative.

It's not about curiosity, it's about being able to validate who God has made your spouse to be.

If you know your spouse's history it'll be easier to translate their life from seemingly random experiences to illustrations of God's intent in forming them.

Then - use your caring heart to refocus your spouse.

• Has your spouse been called to take action? (but they're paralyzed because they don't know how - or they're procrastinating because the task seems too daunting) Provide new insight into the task at hand - do research into that area, talk with people who have mastered the action and gently introduce your spouse to the information you learn. Stimulate your spouse into action with New Insight. And if the situation is appropriate - lend a hand. Be there to support in a physical way.


• Is your spouse called to be patient and wait? (but they're eaten by jealousy, shaking with rage or stressed out because they feel they're being passed over or being taken advantage of) Use prayer to ask God to lift them up. Let your spouse hear you pray for patience and a heart of peace to the One who can intervene and change emotions. Be persistent. And wrap them up in your love. Let your love warm them with its patience, trust and kindness.


• Is your spouse called to change? (but they're blowing back and forth with indecision or withdrawing and isolating themselves) Inspire the one you love with hope - hope for better... more... greater. It requires you to be optimistic - to have a clear picture of what could be - before you can give hope.

When you talk, with a caring heart to your spouse's fears, encourage them to:

• have hope


• increase their faith in God


• dwell on the love they have in their life


• pray unceasingly


• take action (do something positive)


• learn & gather new information


• search for and be true to who God needs them to be

Remember - the only fear with worth is God-fear, because "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge..." Proverbs 1:7 NIV

Encouraging Books - Your Family Journey

In August, Robert and I attended a conference held by Focus on the Family with approximately 85+ in attendance from all over the USA, all wanting to become "Family Champions".

Faith Begins at Home - was the message, with a number of speakers from Focus on the Family and the author of Faith Begins at Home, Mark Holmen.

We left with an array of ideas and tools to encourage parents to build faith at home and not just outsource it to the Sunday School teachers and the church.

One of the books we went home with was Your Family Journey - A guide to building faith at home.

This book is definitely targeted at families with children, but regardless if you're an empty-nester, a young couple just beginning in marriage or the audience the book is targeting, this book is a valuable tool. Why?

• it asks great questions


• it shows how to build a Family Faith Mission statement


• it provides a forum to identify Family Values


• it gives direction on how to write down Family Goals along with the necessary Action Steps


• it covers most of the "what ifs" that stump you

A written plan can overcome some of the biting conflicts which arise in life - it'll help you as a couple and as you lead your family. You'd never set out on a family vacation without a map - why lead your life without a stated, written direction?

I'd also like to recommend hosting one the the Family Champion Training conferences by Focus on the Family. It's a valuable way to provide outreach in your church and community.

If you're interested, here's a link: http://church.family.org/events/

(So... are you wondering what our mission statement for the next 25 years is?)