Encourage Your Spouse

Please join me...

2011-12-28T09:58:00.001-05:00

You can find all the current posts here:

http://www.encourageyourspouse.com

Please come on over!

To be Engaged

2010-02-23T09:02:00.000-05:00

It isn't just a time period preceding marriage.

Engagement

To be meshed
To be interlocked
To be embedded, built into or attached to another part

That's what marriage can be.

Two people working together like clock-work. They're separate and yet enmeshed - their ability to work together becomes a blessing for others.

Be engaged with your spouse.

Tangible Encouragement

2010-02-22T16:39:00.003-05:00

Sometimes encouragement can take a tangible form.

On a cold, dreary day a hot bowl of homemade soup with a side of crusty warm bread can feel comforting.

Never underestimate the power of warmth. The one you love may not always be close, but if they are, then reach out - provide a warm, loving gesture.

A gesture could be food. Or that warm, loving gesture might take a more intimate form. The choice is yours. Encourage and warm your spouse from the inside out. ;-)

Like a seedling...

2010-02-20T09:00:00.002-05:00

HOPE needs to be nurtured.

What are you hoping the Lord will do in your life?

Do you talk about that hope with your spouse?

Do you pray for it?

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)

A smile...

2010-02-18T13:35:00.001-05:00

from the one you love ...

can be the best encouragement!

An Encouraging Statement

2010-02-16T09:37:00.005-05:00

Marriage is...

sharing your vulnerable spots,

knowing they'll be gently kissed.

Using Our Stash

2009-11-19T10:38:00.006-05:00

I've been sewing costumes the last two weeks - costumes for a children's Christmas program. (You know the scenario - young children singing and playing the parts of Mary, Joseph, shepherds, angels and wisemen, with parents and grandparents looking on, beaming smiles and mouthing the words they've taught their little ones.)

To begin this self-imposed task, I found a pattern to fit multiple sizes. That was easy.

Then I hunted for the fabric I'd stashed throughout the house. This is fabric I've had for years - it's all good stuff, not cheap - and every piece has some emotional value attached.

So why haven't I used the stuff?

There are only scraps - Years ago I made our children clothes and I've carted the left-over scraps from one house to the next, but never had a plan on what to make. Maybe I was apprehensive someone would notice the recycled fabric or that I wouldn't have enough to make an entire project, or more likely I wasn't quite ready to let go of the little pieces that had memories attached.
My great ideas weren't so great - I've had brilliant ideas to create household decorations/window coverings/gifts, and then enthusiastically bought what I needed but... well.... never quite followed through...
I didn't have a clue - Once upon a time I fell in love with a piece of fabric (or two... or ten) - it's color, or design or texture - and I never found anything worthy of it, or I didn't think I had the skill to make proper use of that gorgeous length of textile.

You know, after all these years, it's been a uniquely satisfying experience to finally create something using this stash.

Taking action to create a complete piece - to choose and combine the right fabric and colors for each costume from what is only in my stash - is exhilarating. My goal for this project was not to purchase, just use what I already have, and I'm feeling successful. Just finally using the stuff feels good.

Now, what does this have to do with encouragement?

Have you stashed away your encouragement?

Have you tucked it away, waiting for a better time, or more time? Have you withheld your encouragement because of emotional baggage- or just not made the effort because you don't feel like it ?

Perhaps you've not been supportive when you could've lent a hand. Or you've gotten too busy or you're just too tired to spend time - time in prayer for your spouse, or time spent listening to understand what's really going on in their heart and mind.

Do you believe your ideas aren't good enough - you're not educated enough, or creative enough to provide insight? Or do you fail to contribute when you could add value or offer a solution to a problem because you're being stubborn?

What if you've been too discouraged to hope - to unearth a bright ray of shining hope for yourself or your husband?

Are you tired of offering the same-old-same-old words? Do you think your spouse is tired of hearing the same-old-same-old and you just can't do it even one more time because it doesn't feel like it helped in the past so why would it help now?

What's happened to your encouraging words and actions? Are you encouraging your spouse? At all?

Here's what I learned while making these costumes with my "stash" that I'd been hoarding for multiple reasons. It relates to encouraging your spouse:

Just do it. Take action. Bite the bullet. Reach out. Use what you have and don't be afraid of making mistakes. In the end it will be worth it - you'll feel good.
Even the smallest bit adds value. Small things fill in the gaps. And with the gaps filled, the whole piece is improved.
Look at the bigger picture. When you pay attention to the end product, you'll see how all the pieces can fit together. You'll become inspired and see that what you have will be enough.
Old is good. By reusing left-overs, the past is made new.
Satisfaction comes from action. Seeing what you've done with what you have feels good.

Come on -

you can do it again -

Encourage Your Spouse!

Encouragement Thought

2009-10-02T07:52:00.002-04:00

It's Friday again... (where does the week go?)

Encouragement is about caring ...

not fixing!

The value of encouragement...

2009-09-30T12:46:00.006-04:00

lies in the change it stimulates.

Just plain-old "rah-rahing" won't make a lasting difference in your spouse's life. (or yours) What does your spouse need?

Does your spouse need to...

be optimistic about the future? Inspire them with Hope.

trust God more? Fortify them with Faith.

feel secure? Foster them with Love.

feel protected? Uplift them with persistent Prayer.

feel empowered? Support them with joy-filled Zeal.

see options? Stimulate them with New Insight.

feel valued? Validate them with Intimate Knowledge.

Target your encouragement

and notice how your world changes!

An Encouragement Thought - Turn Toward Your Spouse

2009-09-18T08:29:00.004-04:00

It's Friday - here's a thought on encouraging your spouse...

When your spouse makes a comment - respond! (in a positive way, of course)

Dr. John Gottman*, a relationship expert, says couples who turn toward each other - and connect - have a higher chance of remaining in a happy marriage.

Encouraging your spouse isn't difficult - it's just about paying attention, then taking action. Even if it's just common chitchat about an unimportant topic, responding in a positive way will keep you both turned toward each other.

*Great research - fascinating book: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver. ISBN: 0-609-80579-7

Completely off topic... (I just had to share)*

2009-09-17T12:04:00.009-04:00

Boy, has the fur been flying here. There's been yowling and frantic swipes with claws extended...

No, I'm not talking about Rob and I - it's the cats we "inherited" when we moved into our rural house. (the young girl up the street started out with two cats, and they have... hmmmm.... increased in number)

They're outdoor cats and take care of rodents, snakes, spiders and frogs for me! Over the last four years I've given in and begun feeding them and in gratitude they leave all sundry of "gifts" at the door - including gnawed-on (dead) frogs and a squirrel's tail (just the tail). Those six cats have adopted Robert and I. Every now and again a new cat will show up, but be promptly chased away. By Garfield.

Five out the six cats tolerate me, but Garfield, the orange, male, alpha cat, loves me. He really does. Whenever I come out on the deck he emerges from whatever sheltered spot he's been sleeping in and hops up where I can pet him. And does he purr... (it's loud enough to hear through the sunroom glass)

If I'm writing outside, he'll hop onto the table and the only way I can carry on working is if I push him off. If I'm looking out at the pasture, he'll hop onto the deck railing and try to crawl into my arms to snuggle.

It's odd. He's quite stand-offish with the other cats, but with me, he shows his love.

Today and yesterday have been cool and drippy - not quite raining, but everything is soggy. I think the cats are a little out-of-sorts... This morning there was a a show down between Garfield and an interloper - his younger look-alike!

First I heard the yowling. I thought someone was in pain...

Then I saw Garfield had his look-alike cornered. They attacked each other with claws and teeth, rolling all over the deck in a fury of flying orange fur.

Here's what's left:

Finally the younger gave up and ran away - I caught a picture of him looking at Garfield from the safety of the pond:

And Garfield just sat on the deck looking satisfied:

The other cats are keeping their distance:

*I know. This is completely off the topic of encouragement.

But I just felt like sharing what excitement rules my days as I'm working on my book. (Encourage Your Spouse).

Thank your spouse... today!

2009-09-15T07:04:00.008-04:00

'Feeling gratitude
and not expressing it
is like wrapping a present
and not giving it.'

William Ward (1921-1994 - inspirational author)

Great quote, huh?*

I value Robert's ability to persevere. It's one of his main core values and he's demonstrated that quality all through our married life. I probably value that quality because I struggle in that area... ;-)

When was the last time you thanked your spouse for their good qualities - those qualities you value?

Take time today - say it, put it in a card, email it or text - and let the one you love know how thankful you feel!

* ... just a little confession... the reason this quote made such an impact on me is that I'm feeling guilty. Why? I have this present and a hand-made thank-you card sitting in a drawer - it's for a special couple who invited us over for a wonderful dinner and evening in June. Yes, I know. June... :-(

What will your spouse anticipate?

2009-09-14T10:03:00.009-04:00

It's interesting - when I step out on the deck in the early morning, the horses come to the fence.

Why?

They expect something good from me.

What do I do?

I feed them carrots, pet and pat them, and praise them softly.

Those actions aren't over-the-top, amazing and outstanding... they're just ways I show the horses how much I like them.

That's what encouraging is about - it's taking action to give your spouse good things.

new ideas to "chew" on when confronted with challenges
a comforting or soothing touch to show your love
and words of praise for their good qualities

When your spouse sees you first thing in the morning, do they anticipate something good?

An Encouragement Thought

2009-09-04T16:42:00.009-04:00

It's Friday - here's an encouragement "thought" ...

Your differences are not the problem -

refusing to accept the differences or not even noticing the differences causes the problem.

How can you make your differences into a positive?

Where are you going?

2009-09-03T13:50:00.014-04:00

After you've been married for a while, experienced all the joys (and frustrations) of marriage, perhaps reached goals at work, been involved in faith activities, explored hobbies and even raised children, a question may percolate...

"Is that all there is?"

Why would you ask that question?

I think it's because there's no map, no direction, or a stated purpose to drive your thoughts, actions and activities in life.

Many businesses have a mission, vision and value statement. Does yours?
Many churches have mission, vision and value statements. What is yours?
Individuals can be filled with purpose and have mission statements. Do you?

What about your marriage relationship?

Do you and your spouse have a stated purpose - a list of values that you hold as a barometer - a mission greater than yourselves you're working toward?

If you do - Wonderful!

What is it? Do you have it in a place of honor or displayed so everyone can see it. (and that it reminds you daily?)

What if you don't have a Marriage Mission/Vision/Value Statement?

We tend to display things we're proud of - the medal we've won, or a diploma, or a photo showing us meeting a hero. We also display things we value. Take a look around your home - maybe you haven't looked at what's hanging on the walls lately.

Often Christians display certain Bible verses important to them... what is displayed in your home?

Our home has two (permanently displayed) verses:

"...as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" Joshua 24:15 NKJV

and

"Ask and it will be given to you, Seek and you will find, Knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7 NIV

What do you have displayed that demonstrates what you value? Do both you and your spouse agree on its value - its importance?

Take an inventory today. What does it say about your direction in life?

If you could display anything, what would it be? What direction would your display show?

When real encouragement happens ...

2009-09-02T19:12:00.008-04:00

... a caring heart can talk to "fear".

Fear is often unnamed, unacknowledged, and unaddressed. But it can bring havoc into our married life.

We see the effects of fear - procrastination, withdrawal, jealousy, anger, indecisiveness, paranoia or stress. Yet we're unable to call them by their true name because our spouse is so caught up in the effect.

How do you encourage your spouse and speak with a caring heart to name fear - acknowledge the fear - address the fear?

First remind yourself and the one you love that:

God is Great.

The Greatest.

Omnipotent.

Reminisce over instances where God has impacted your loved one's life. Remind your spouse how God has used His power to change circumstances.

Sometimes your spouse is too close to their own history to do their own translation - they're so swallowed up by fear to see clearly. That's why understanding the events in your spouse's life is imperative.

It's not about curiosity, it's about being able to validate who God has made your spouse to be.

If you know your spouse's history it'll be easier to translate their life from seemingly random experiences to illustrations of God's intent in forming them.

Then - use your caring heart to refocus your spouse.

Has your spouse been called to take action? (but they're paralyzed because they don't know how - or they're procrastinating because the task seems too daunting) Provide new insight into the task at hand - do research into that area, talk with people who have mastered the action and gently introduce your spouse to the information you learn. Stimulate your spouse into action with New Insight. And if the situation is appropriate - lend a hand. Be there to support in a physical way.

Is your spouse called to be patient and wait? (but they're eaten by jealousy, shaking with rage or stressed out because they feel they're being passed over or being taken advantage of) Use prayer to ask God to lift them up. Let your spouse hear you pray for patience and a heart of peace to the One who can intervene and change emotions. Be persistent. And wrap them up in your love. Let your love warm them with its patience, trust and kindness.

Is your spouse called to change? (but they're blowing back and forth with indecision or withdrawing and isolating themselves) Inspire the one you love with hope - hope for better... more... greater. It requires you to be optimistic - to have a clear picture of what could be - before you can give hope.

When you talk, with a caring heart to your spouse's fears, encourage them to:

have hope

increase their faith in God

dwell on the love they have in their life

pray unceasingly

take action (do something positive)

learn & gather new information

search for and be true to who God needs them to be

Remember - the only fear with worth is God-fear, because "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge..." Proverbs 1:7 NIV

Encouraging Books - Your Family Journey

2009-09-01T12:42:00.006-04:00

In August, Robert and I attended a conference held by Focus on the Family with approximately 85+ in attendance from all over the USA, all wanting to become "Family Champions".

Faith Begins at Home - was the message, with a number of speakers from Focus on the Family and the author of Faith Begins at Home, Mark Holmen.

We left with an array of ideas and tools to encourage parents to build faith at home and not just outsource it to the Sunday School teachers and the church.

One of the books we went home with was Your Family Journey - A guide to building faith at home.

This book is definitely targeted at families with children, but regardless if you're an empty-nester, a young couple just beginning in marriage or the audience the book is targeting, this book is a valuable tool. Why?

it asks great questions

it shows how to build a Family Faith Mission statement

it provides a forum to identify Family Values

it gives direction on how to write down Family Goals along with the necessary Action Steps

it covers most of the "what ifs" that stump you

A written plan can overcome some of the biting conflicts which arise in life - it'll help you as a couple and as you lead your family. You'd never set out on a family vacation without a map - why lead your life without a stated, written direction?

I'd also like to recommend hosting one the the Family Champion Training conferences by Focus on the Family. It's a valuable way to provide outreach in your church and community.

If you're interested, here's a link: http://church.family.org/events/

(So... are you wondering what our mission statement for the next 25 years is?)

Encouraging Couples - Gail and Michael Hyatt

2009-08-31T11:29:00.007-04:00

There's a couple I've been researching and "following" on Twitter - Gail and Michael Hyatt. They appear to have a marriage where encouragement has had an impact.

Michael Hyatt's Twitter bio reads: "CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishers, avid blogger, husband to @GailHyatt, father of five daughters." He also is a deliberate leader. He writes in his blog:

"...“You and I both know that people today crave leadership. They are dying for role models. They want to see what good leadership looks like—as it is lived out in the challenges of everyday life.”

I continued, “If you are living your life on-purpose, like I know you are, then by Twittering, you are modeling something worth emulating. This is unquestionably the most powerful way to lead.” "

http://michaelhyatt.com/2009/07/twitter-as-a-leadership-tool.html

Gail Hyatt has supported and encouraged her husband in his activities for over 30 years while raising their daughters.

She states in her Twitter profile she is "married to @michaelhyatt, mother to 5 M's, grandmommy to 4, Christ follower, Orthodox Christian".

Gail often travels with her husband and refers to him in her "tweets". She advocates for World Vision, is active in her church activities, spends time helping and adding value to friends & family and writes thought provoking blog posts. (I'm sure there are many other activities not made public - she's someone I'd love to meet!)

Last Valentines Day, Michael Hyatt wrote a post about the top ten things he loves about his wife. http://michaelhyatt.com/2009/02/what-i-love-about-my-wife.html It's a wonderfully affirming list and sketches a three-dimentional picture of a unique woman.

Gail Hyatt responded by writing her own post about her "super-human" husband and her ideas of what her relationship with her husband can hold. Toward the middle of the post, she wrote:

"Early on I asked myself what will be my unique contribution? How can I balance this out? Lots of things came to mind, but THE most important thing I chose to cultivate was a heart of appreciation and the practice of encouragement. It’s proven to be the best gift I could possibly give to Mike and to my family as well."

http://gailbhyatt.wordpress.com/2009/02/14/a-super-human-husband

Here are two people building a marriage over the last 30 years. Through their public, written words and actions they show they value each other.

What 10 attributes do you value most about your spouse? In what way have they made a difference in your life?

Encouraging Couples - John & Margaret Maxwell

2009-08-03T12:52:00.008-04:00

I've been searching for couples, living in the public eye, who value the encouragement their spouse provides. Because I don't know them personally, the only way I can gauge their appreciation is by their outward, public behavior and written words.

Robert and I have been reading John Maxwell's books for almost 10 years and have attended a couple of his conferences. We find his leadership books, both secular and faith-based, valuable. John often refers to his wife, Margaret and her role in his life.

In one of his latest books, Put Your Dream to the Test, he both dedicates his book to Margaret but also tells a very moving story of how she made him feel empowered in his dream to be a great leader.

On page 115-116 he tells how, shortly after finishing college and getting married, his first church in rural Indiana could only offer him a small $80 a week salary. And even though it was a part-time salary, Margaret supported him in giving all his energy to the church.

She declared his dream verbally to the church leaders and followed through with her encouragement by working three jobs so he could feel empowered to pursue his dream to be a great leader.

John Maxwell concludes his story by saying, "None of my dreams would have come true without her".

Margaret Maxwell's encouragement and support of her spouse has definitely made difference in the world! She is a great example.

John Maxwell tells the story much better than I can - I encourage you to read it for yourself! http://www.amazon.com/Put-Your-Dream-Test-Questions/dp/0785214127/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1249319733&sr=8-1

Support your spouse with joy-filled zeal.

It will make them feel empowered!

Adding Value - Where does it start?

2009-07-22T14:29:00.007-04:00

On our drive to Canada, Robert and I discussed how much we admire our friends and the value they add to our lives - just by living as the people God made them to be.

One over-arching quality found in the people at our anniversary celebration is faith. Faith in and for God. Our friends' faith in God has impacted Robert & I by -

Modeling a life of faith - dedicated to serving God.

The minister who married Robert and I has retired, yet remains dedicated to spreading the gospel of Christ to all nations. (just as directed in the 25th chapter of Matthew) He and his wife spent years in Asia working to bring God's Word to all they met and still have a heart for those from Asia who now make their home in North America. And even though they are a married couple - working together - each has maintained their separate identity as individuals. They're an awesome team.

Some of our friends use their God-given talent to praise Him - singing & playing instruments as soloists, in small groups, leading worship or in a choir.

Others spend hours each week preparing to serve and teach - either behind an altar, in youth activities, Sunday School or just quietly with those they meet who need a word of encouragement. They have been faithful (faith-filled) for years - regardless of age and financial or health concerns.

Adding value to others begins with who we are and how we lead the life God has given us.

Do you strengthen - fortify - those around you (and your spouse)

with your depth and breadth of faith in God?

Our friends and family do and that's one way they've impacted our life!

Launching the next 25 Years

2009-07-20T10:59:00.009-04:00

Robert and I just returned from a wonderful experience - celebrating with friends and family who shared in our wedding 25 years ago.

Through the last 25 years many of the group have remained close and we've shared our thoughts, feelings, joys and sorrows. We spent a little time during our celebration expressing how thankful we were to have these people in our life and the impact they made on us.

As Robert and I wrote out our "one-liners" to bring tribute to these special people, it caused us to reflect on how blessed we've been in learning things from others which have directly contributed to the success of our marriage.

Over the next days I'll highlight all the value our friends and family have provided for us.

Maybe it'll cause you to reflect on what your loved ones have contributed to your relationship!

Cheers!

25 years later

2009-05-27T16:06:00.026-04:00

Once apon a time, in a country far away, there were two young people with their whole lives ahead of them....

They met when they were 15 and 17 years old and from then onward looked for every opportunity to spend time together.

They grew in friendship and love and then decided to share the rest of their life together.

On May 27, 1984 those two young friends married.

That's us - Robert & Lori - 25 years ago.

The last 25 years together have been no less than interesting. We've grown close as a couple - our values and dreams have become meshed, and our favorite activity together is to talk & plan for the future. Robert has been my greatest encourager, and I work to be his.

We've grown in our faith and served the Lord wherever we lived. We've had 2 children, homeschooled those children, and then watched them grow till they became adults. We've made friends, said goodbye to friends, and made new friends. We've moved to another country, experienced big city life with a pool, and rural life with horses in the back pasture. Through it all we rejoice over how the Lord blessed us (even in the not-so-nice times).

I wonder what the next 25 years will bring?

My favorite books ...

2009-04-18T16:07:00.008-04:00

Robert and I are always reading - usually on topics like leadership, ministry, business and, of course, marriage.

Once we've read a book we'll encourage the other to read it or share the insights and information we've learned as we drive somewhere. (we do a lot of driving)

I've come across some great resources, both for practical advice and fascinating insight, to enrich our marriage.

Here's a list of 10 valuable books (in no particular order) I can recommend:

1. The 5 Love Languages ... by Gary Chapman

2. Relationships by Les & Leslie Parrott

3. Pray Big for Your Marriage... by Will Davis

4. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman

5. The Marriage Builder by Larry Crabb

6. Love is a Decision by Gary Smalley & John Trent

7. Shower Her with Roses by Tony M. Stevens

8. I Do Again by Cheryl & Jeff Scruggs

9. Building Your Mate's Self Esteem by Dennis & Barbara Rainey

10. The Second Half of Marriage... by David and Claudia Arp

Next time you're in a book store (or at the library) take a look at one or two of these.

Enjoy!

2009-03-31T19:06:00.009-04:00

Did you know that there's over 100 synonyms for encourage?

Here's a word cloud from http://www.wordle.net/

exploring a few of the words connected to encouragement:

An experiment...

2009-03-24T13:23:00.007-04:00

Last week I gave a few note cards to the ladies in a group to which I belong. Their mission - should they decide to accept it - was to write a positive thought to encourage someone they loved. I wanted to see if they received any feedback from their notes.

The note cards are from a company I highlighted earlier - Smiles Made Easy - (http://encourageyourspouse.blogspot.com/2008/10/making-connection.html .

I'll be meeting tomorrow with the group again. We'll see what kind of response they received ...

3 really easy steps to Celebrate the Good Stuff

2009-03-13T10:56:00.010-04:00

Celebrations are fun. They commemorate the Good Stuff in life. However, between a husband and wife, those special occasion celebrations are often few and far between.

Now, think about a special occasion - a time when you wanted to celebrate. What ingredients went into that event? Chances are you were together with someone you cared about, you ate something, and there might have even been a lit candle or two.

When last did you light a candle while eating a meal with your spouse?

OK. Maybe I should ask a different question...

When was the last time you ate a meal with your spouse:

just the two of you,

sitting down at a table,

looking at each other (not at the television)?

As I talk with more couples I'm seeing a trend - and it's worrisome. The longer a couple is married, and the more responsibility they carry, the less time they set aside to celebrate life with each other. (except for their anniversary.) Am I describing your relationship?

Maybe you can't change the number of responsibilities in your life. Maybe your children aren't old enough to leave home yet, so being alone with your spouse is almost impossible. I know. There are lots of reasons not to spend time together - not to take the time to celebrate.

However, spending time with your spouse is part of the Good Stuff in life. The Good Stuff needs to be celebrated.

So, to create the habit of celebrating the Good Stuff in life, here's my proposition:

What I'm proposing isn't major, just a slight shift. One thing every human must do is eat and drink. What if you ate one meal this week - or even shared a piece of cut-up fruit as a midnight snack - alone with your spouse? And what if you lit a candle (one of those ingredients of a celebration) and ate, sitting down, together? I imagine could make you both smile.

3-steps to Celebrate the Good Stuff

Light a candle.

Look into your spouse's eyes as you sit at a table.

Share a bite to eat & raise your glass to toast the Good Stuff in life - your relationship!

It's that easy to celebrate the Good Stuff in life. Make it a habit and feel special!

Marriage - a work in progress.

2009-02-05T09:57:00.012-05:00

Guess what?

Your marriage isn't perfect... neither are you or your spouse.

Surprised? (I don't think so)

Perfection is something we, in North America, are tuned into. Our media urges its attainment with advertisements on how to have perfect skin, the perfect body, the perfect car, the perfect place to live ... you get the idea.

In addition to media, those around us are full of the "shoulds" in life...

we should save for retirement
we should spend more time with our kids
we should have a college degree
we should call our parents more
we should help out in the community
we should be a great cook,
we should ... (fill in the blank here)
we should ... (fill in the blank here)
we should ... (fill in the blank here)

Lately Robert and I are questioning the "shoulds" in life. We're asking "why should we...?" That question stops perfectionism in its tracks, and helps us redefine our priorities depending on our answers.

I hate to break it to you, but being perfect is impossible. There was only One living human who walked on this earth who was perfect - Christ. Yes, we are are working to become Christ-like, however we are a work-in-progress.

You are not perfect - you are a work-in-progress.

Your spouse is not perfect - just a work-in-progress.

Your relationship with your spouse is just as much a work-in-progress.

Here are a few examples of couples with work-in-progress relationships:

I'm watching a young couple form a relationship and as they shift perspectives, negotiate priorities and decide values - they are a work-in-progress. That couple often needs time to talk through their disagreements, yet they're hopeful as they overcome each issue.
This week I talked with a young wife, married less than 5 years, who wants to to be able to have a "date" night every week. Their life is too busy right now, and she's disappointed yet hopeful - their marriage is a work-in-progress.
Robert and I are married 25 years this May and our marriage continues to be a work-in-progress. We're navigating through the maze of responsibilities we now hold as we try to paint a picture of what the future will look like. We're optimistically hopeful that the next 25 years will be good.
I had an email from a wife married more than 50 years and she explained how we can't expect our husbands to automatically have skills we've honed for years - like shopping on a budget and finding the best "deal". She detailed how her husband had just come home from the store and was thrilled to have made wise purchases. In their 50+ years of marriage they still have new things to learn about each other, and about navigating the responsibilities in marriage. She's thankful to share the adventure of their marriage of 50+ years, eventhough it's still a work-in-progress!

So please stop expecting things in your marriage relationship to be perfect! Everyone is working to progress.

To quote the wife married 50+ years:

" ... it is good to share good news, and it's encouraging perhaps for others to know that it's never too late for a marriage to be improved, even salvaged. God is in the business of restoring all things, including marriages. It takes commitment to the marriage "for better or for worse", faith in God and His Word, trust, patience, perseverance and prayer."

Have hope. And keep in mind your relationship doesn't have to be perfect - just a work-in-progress.

Remaining Hope Filled

2009-01-29T10:00:00.007-05:00

I work on staying filled with hope - it doesn't always happen automatically.

One book I pick up to re-fill my hope is a little inspirational volume by Roy Lessin -

365 Day Brighteners Reflections from the Heart of God.

ISBN 259449153-4

Roy Lessin's inspirational words are highlighted and then a word from scripture - today was Lamentations 3:22,23 NRSV "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."

How do you remain filled with hope?

Brush Fires in your Relationship

2009-01-24T08:23:00.008-05:00

We live on a rural property that constantly needs attention. Things grow faster than we can take care of them, so in our few and far-between hours of leisure my husband goes out to cut up fallen brush and piles it to burn.

There's one spot that has quite a large pile (it was started already before we arrived), and last year Robert tried to reduce it by burning.

The fire began with some difficulty due to the rain in the days prior, however once that blaze took hold it burned with a fierce intensity. That pile of brush and scrub, diseased wood, leaves and dead weeds burned for three days. Fortunately the pile was surrounded by a swampy area so there wasn't any danger of the fire spreading. Three days of flame - smaller and greater as the different types of debris burned.

You'd think after three days there would only be ash - however a large pile still stood. Then it rained again. That pile smoked for three weeks after the flames were doused. It was still hot. We believed there were hollow logs still smoldering amongst the pile. Finally the pile cooled, and there was no more smoke.

Quite a bit had burned, leaving heaps of ash.

Later in the spring, plants began to sprout from the ash. Those plants - we didn't know what type - continued to grow till they covered what what left of the debris pile.

The stalks grew thicker than my wrist and the feathery leaves were two or three feet across. Bright red berries appeared and the birds were ecstatic with their new food source. We hadn't planted anything in the ash, yet something beautiful and useful grew from the debris we burned.

How does this connect to encouragement?

At times in our marriage we have collected emotional brush piles.

Those piles separate us from our spouse. There are disappointments, unresolved disagreements, and hurtful words in those piles. There are unsupported dreams, unknown desires and ignored advice in those brush piles. Nothing there is useful - the pile itself is debris.

My suggestion is to burn it.

But how?

Bring everything to the Lord in prayer and let His power consume that emotional brush pile till nothing is left. Except maybe ash, so something good and useful can grow.

Uplift with persistent prayer - Encourage both your spouse and yourself.

Validation

2009-01-17T13:47:00.005-05:00

My son showed me this video on YouTube.

Use 15 minutes of your time - you'll feel good!

Why are you encouraging your spouse? Focus on the big picture.

2009-01-13T16:19:00.004-05:00

Sometimes when you give your spouse that little verbal pat on the back, it can be done without much thought. He or she does something nice, performs well, or needs a positive word, and you respond. No biggie. Easily accomplished. Moving on to more important things…

There’s an oft-used story about three bricklayers’ attitude to their work that can be used to illustrate this:
The story goes, that three bricklayers are working side by side.

They’re asked by a visitor, "What are you doing?"

The first bricklayer replies, "I'm laying bricks to earn a living. My family needs to eat."

The second bricklayer answers, "I’m laying bricks to build this wall. A guy over there taught me what to do and everyday I show up to put one brick on top of another. I guess someday they’ll tell me I’m done and I’ll move on to another wall."

The third bricklayer when asked the very same question, "What are you doing?", responds, "I'm building a cathedral. It’ll be to the honor and glory of God. I’m helping to create something for my family - my children and grandchildren will benefit along with generations who will come here to praise and honor God. It’ll be so beautiful. Would you like to help along?”

As you enter 2009, and work on your relationship with your spouse, ask yourself “Why am I encouraging?”

Do you encourage just because it fulfills a need, or it’s what you know you’re supposed to do?

Or do you encourage your spouse because you have a vision of how life could be great together – filled with purpose and peace?

Keep your eye on the greater purpose – the macro picture – as you encourage your spouse! Make 2009 a year to celebrate.

Encouraging at my House

2008-12-10T15:15:00.005-05:00

Since I've been researching and writing on Encouragement, I've picked up a few new ideas and Robert is the "blessed" recipient as I try them out.

I thought I'd tell you how my own encouragement experiences work out - they're not always as successful as I plan them to be. We often say that I'm all about the process and he's focused on the product. Fortunately, Robert sees the good in what I try.

Here's an example where one try at encouraging my spouse didn't quite work as well as I'd hoped:

A little over a month ago Robert began, as happens to many, grappling with issues at work and church. His other responsibilities in life began to weigh heavily. Then like an unexpected ice-storm, the doom-'n-gloom economic climate seemed to freeze-over his usual positive outlook.

Maybe it was time for a little extra encouragement. But what to do?

All my words of hope couldn't seem to melt the weight of his worries. I was already praying and he both knew I was and heard me pray. I thought I'd try fortifying his faith in God's control over circumstances using verses from the Bible.

I found a stack of 2" x 3" cards with Bible verses (they were from a desk calendar my son had) and chose eighteen or twenty verses I thought might have an impact. Then I placed one card in his medicine cabinet next to his shaver so he would see it he started his day. After I placed the first card, I waited expectantly for a comment from him. Nothing.

So I changed the card to another Bible verse. It was a powerful verse. Still no acknowledgement.

A week or so later I put a new card in the medicine cabinet - this time next to his toothbrush. Not a word from Robert about the newest addition to his cabinet.

Well, I thought I couldn't be doing anything harmful, and I was determined not to be discouraged. I kept replacing those Bible verse cards every so often.

About five weeks later, we were packing for a weekend trip, and Robert finally said, "Thanks for the Bible cards."

Wow - he DID notice!

I wanted to know if it had helped him - which verse he liked best. That question highlighted what I hadn't taken into account. Robert recently started wearing reading glasses. He doesn't need them to shave or to brush his teeth, so every time he went into the bathroom, he saw the card, but the writing was so small he couldn't read it!

My attempt to encourage had been foiled in an unexpected way.

We laughed together over the issues of getting older.

And the next card I found to put into his medicine cabinet had really big writing so he could read it without his glasses!

When it's time to lean...

2008-11-14T13:47:00.005-05:00

Times are a little tough right now.

People are hurting financially, and emotionally. Even if you're not directly affected by the economic climate, you may struggle. Sometimes worries afflict - the worst-case scenario plays over and over in your mind, zapping strength and motivation.

Perhaps you're not feeling particularly strong these days.

"Lean on me when you're not strong..." the first stanza of that popular song says. Who can you lean on? Who can provide strength?

As Christians we lean on Jesus - He can fulfill all our needs in a perfect way. He's first.

Maybe we can also lean on our parents, or friends, or extended family.

Can we also lean on our spouse?

We can if they really know us:

We can lean on our spouse if they know our needs.
We can lean on our spouse if they know our fears.
We can lean on our spouse if they know what brings us joy.
We can lean on our spouse if they know what motivates us.
We can lean on our spouse if they know what we value.

Being encouraged isn't all about the other person taking action. Your participation in the process is necessary. Have you taken the time to share intimate knowledge of yourself with your spouse? They're not mind readers, you know.

God knows all things - not your spouse!

If you're feeling the need to lean - to be encouraged - I challenge you to arrange an intimate, quiet few hours with your spouse. Tell them you want to be alone together to talk and you need them to listen.

Is this idea scary?

Most of us don't walk around naked - either in body or spirit. Sharing hearts - being naked emotionally - is much harder than climbing into bed to experience physical intimacy with your spouse. It can feel excruciating to expose deep emotions.

It's OK to begin small. Uncover one aspect of what you're feeling at the start. Try exposing only one fear to your spouse. They may surprise you and provide a loving shoulder to lean on. That's one way to feel encouraged - to feel validated because your spouse has intimate knowledge of who you are.

Validating with intimate knowledge may be the most elusive of all the seven encouragement actions because it requires transparency. Emotional intimacy doesn't come easily. Guessing will not work when your spouse wants to validate your needs, fears, or joys. Your spouse needs something to work with and it's up to you to share.

God can use your spouse to encourage you. After you've taken your concerns to the Lord in prayer, try sharing with the one you married. Experience how your spouse's ability to encourage you will deepen - from a puddle to a bottomless well.

Holding Hands

2008-10-31T13:54:00.006-04:00

Touch communicates love.

I'm sure that statement doesn't surprise you - we're bombarded by images on television and in print of couples touching each other. They're either embracing or kissing or caressing. Or more.

There's another touch between couples that communicates love, and I wonder when the last time you and your spouse reached out and ...

held hands?

I've interviewed a number of couples married more than 50 years. One of the many things I've noticed about their relationship is that they hold hands -or the wife will tuck her arm through the crook of her husband's arm as they walk.

It's touch. It isn't fancy, or overt but it does show two people connected by love.

I challenge you to reach out to your spouse today - and hold their hand. It's one way to encourage - to foster with unconditional love.

Plan to Encourage

2008-10-23T16:53:00.004-04:00

Have you heard the old adage, “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail…” ? Planning takes effort – it demands a conscious choice – and it’s an indicator of a proactive person working toward a desired outcome.

If we want to encourage our spouse – to inspire their hope in the future, strengthen their faith, show them unconditional love, lift them up in prayer, support them with joy filled zeal, stimulate them with new insight and validate them with intimate knowledge– then we need to design a plan to encourage them.

A practical plan to start the encouraging process:

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan.” Planning, unlike wishing, will provide results.

Make a list of everything that’s going on in your spouse’s life right now - in your relationship, as a family, at work, in friendships, and in life in general. Do you know? You may see your spouse every day, but when was the last time you sat down and just listened to them?

Design a time to chat. This time is for your spouse to talk and share – you’re there to:

1) Ask kind, gently probing, open-ended questions.
2) Listen to their answers. Be quiet and just listen – do not share your opinions.
3) Watch their eyes – the eyes are the windows to the soul.
4) Pay attention to their body language as they talk about each topic.
5) Notice - through vocal inflection - what they’re excited about or fearful over.
6) Really hear them. Hear the feelings and emotions lying under the words.

Now that you know some of what’s going on in your spouse’s heart, mind and soul, you can build your plan.

As you ask yourself the following questions, write down the anwers:

How can I inspire them with hope for their future? For our future together?

How can I bring my faith as a Christian into focus to provide strength – to fortify them?

How can I notice them – the person they are, not their behavior – and foster them with unconditional love? Love can take the form of an intimate touch, or gentle, nurturing care.

What can I pray for in their life? Can I pray with them to uplift them? When can it happen?

What action can I take today to give them my joy-filled support?

With what new insight into their situation can I stimulate their thinking?

How can I use my intimate knowledge of my spouse to validate them– to let them know what a unique and special person they are?

Be specific when answering these questions.
Be diligent, and thoughtful.
Be creative and insightful.

Building on small words, ideas and gestures will make your spouse feel wrapped in encouragement, thereby transforming your relationship.

Your plan to encourage will make you a light in your spouse’s life, and a voice of possibility in their ear. You’ll be an encourager. It’s a good thing to be!

Results from 100% + 100%

2008-10-17T14:03:00.009-04:00

Last week I spent an afternoon with a couple who have been married 50+ years. Their life is a true example of how encouraging your spouse - supporting with joy-filled zeal - makes life rich and fulfilling.

They began their married life when they were quite young - at least compared to today's couples. They had three children, one of whom is hearing impaired.

Carrying on over the next 50 years, they built their first house together, fought for changes in state policy for the deaf, grew a congregation as a minister and wife, and took care of an elderly parent in their home. In addition, the wife returned to college to get an undergraduate degree and then a masters degree, once the children were grown. They also traveled the globe, and have done things many of us haven't attempted yet.

As I sat listening, I heard how working together in areas that they valued brought them both laughter, joy and tangible success.

From the story of how she got a wheel-barrow for her birthday because they were building their first home, to how he would pick her up at her job and take her to college classes, then drive her back to her job (making sure she had a packed lunch to eat), to venturing out of their comfort zone and going white-water rafting when they were in their sixties - those stories showed me a picture of two people working together to make a great life.

They didn't count the cost of the effort they put into their marriage.

There are two things this couple wanted me to communicate to other married people:

1) trust is the most important part of marriage

2) each spouse must give 100% to the marriage (not 50/50) 100% from him & 100% from her

So what is the result of their trust in each other and each gifting the other 100% ? They have a marriage story showing tangible results echoing their values:

marriage - a solid, growing marriage relationship of over 50 years

personal growth - the freedom for each to develop and pursue their desires and interests

faith - they attend, now in retirement, the same congregation they were instrumental in growing

education - a degree and master's degree

family involvement - the satisfaction of nurturing a parent until she passed away

advocacy - a state organization of parents advocating for their deaf children

improving the world for their children - changes in state legislation in how deaf children are educated

hard work - a house that still stands which they built together

adventure - they have travel and life experiences to share

Guess what? This couple isn't done yet! They're ready for more together, and I'm sure they'll do it all with joy-filled zeal.

I have a lot to learn from them.

Marriage Investment

2008-10-08T13:27:00.003-04:00

With the news broadcasts filled with doom and gloom over the economy my thoughts can't help but be targeted on our family investments.

You might think I'm referring to the stuff that starts with a dollar sign. That's not the investment to which I'm referring.

How much do we invest in our marriages?

Our very first investment into marriage is often the Wedding Day.

Robert and I are coming up on 25 years of marriage. We spent perhaps 1/6 th of what is spent today, yet the time and effort was probably very similar to what people do today.

According to the web-site http://www.costofwedding.com/, the average wedding costs $28,000. WOW. Since I read that figure, I've been polling friends, family, co-workers, and forums asking what they spent on their wedding day. So far most have said they spent much less.

To plan a wedding, months are spent in preparation. There are dress fittings, taste testings, phone calls and visits to reception venues and photographers. Hours are spent on the internet researching to find just the right token to give to the guests, or to find a perfect invitation and save-the-date notes cards. And then decisions are made over who will be in the wedding party and invited to the wedding.

So, to get married we invest time, money and effort. To create one perfect day.

Once the Wedding Day is over, how much do we invest in our marriage?

We can do many things to invest in our marraige that cost money - buying books, DVDs or CDs on marriage enrichment, or attending seminars and retreats, going out for dinner, or having an intimate one-on-one couple focused holiday. All these investments will pay out dividends.

But what can you invest in your marriage that doesn't cost money?

Encouraging your spouse will not cost you a dime. Nada. Zilch. Nothing. But it will bring HUGE dividends!

Invest in your marriage - Encourage Your Spouse!

Making a Connection

2008-10-01T11:00:00.013-04:00

Yesterday I talked about one way couples choose to stay connected - writing notes.

Many times I hear a husband or wife say - "But I don't know what to write." or "I can't think of anything to say when I see that blank piece of paper or notecard."

To solve that problem, I found a special product. It's "thought cards" by Smiles Made Easy.

This young Canadian mom created little note cards with prompts like "You have a great way of ..." or "You make me happy when ..." or "My favorite thing about you is ...".

Their motto is - We start the thought. You finish it. It's never been so easy to say what you've always wanted!

Here's a quote from Karem's website http://www.smilesmadeeasy.com/:

"... a note-writer by inclination, I have turned writing love notes to my husband into a successful business... I want to make it easy to connect and say things that, in today's hectic world, often don't get said. So be inspiring, reminiscent, goofy, or romantic ... but be sure to say it, and say it often."

What a great mission - encouraging action to stay connected!

There are 5 different tins:

I Love it When ...
Remember When ...
I Have Fun When ...
I Am Proud When ...
You're A Great Mom Because ...

Inside each tin: 15 Envelopes, 15 different - 3.2" X 3.9" - thought cards, and one index card.

The tins are small enough to slip into a purse or pocket and write one thought card while sitting at a stop light, or at the bathroom counter before bed to tuck one under your spouse's pillow!

Here's a quote from someone who's used these cards to connect with her husband:

"Smiles Made Easy thought cards was a fantastic gift. I purchased the "Remember When…" set for my husband and had so much fun filling out the cards. He thoroughly enjoyed remembering the moments I had written down from years past and I will never forget the smile it left on his face!"

Maybe you could give one of these little tins as a gift to a couple you know - someone who needs a little boost in how to encourage their spouse?

The website is http://www.smilesmadeeasy.com/ - it's a Canadian company but they do ship to the USA.

Note: I don't know this person or receive anything from this product. I just found it in a card shop and fell in love with the idea. I'm all for making encouragement an easy process!

Being Connected

2008-09-30T14:09:00.008-04:00

We live in a busy world.
Lots of rushing around.
So many responsibilities.

There's the stress that kids create in a marriage.
There's the concern over money issues.
There are in-law and out-law relationship battles.

How do you and your spouse stay connected?

1. Being connected to your spouse takes time.

2. Being connected to your spouse takes effort.

3. Being connected to your spouse takes perseverance.

From my research, and speaking with couples , I've found most do at least these three things to stay connected with each other (there are other things but these are the top three)

Plan specific, daily time together ... as an example, one couple will dedicate the first 15 minutes when the husband comes home from work to lay together on their bed, close the door on the children, and talk together.

Reminisce ... another couple will look through their picture albums to bring back all the happy memories from their life together and then post some of those pictures on their computer monitors as a screen saver

Write notes ... sometimes those notes are informal sentences on a scrap of paper, or a quick email. Sometimes they're elaborate cards, and sometimes those notes are long letters of appreciation. The magic ingredient in every note is the tangible, written evidence of one spouse reaching out to the other to stay connected.

Do you want to stay connected with your spouse? Try one of these three actions.

Feeling connected to your spouse will create powerful opportunities to encourage. Encouragement can transform your life. So... Stay connected!

Coloring Outside the Lines

2008-09-25T16:34:00.007-04:00

Remember using crayons? Every color, every shade in the rainbow (plus a few more) was found in a box of crayons.

Sometimes I would draw my own pictures but more often I'd use a coloring book with the outline of pictures already drawn - the picture defined and waiting to be filled in.

Those line drawings on a white page were waiting for me to use my crayons and bring them to life.

While I was young, the outlines were just suggestions. I knew I could use the entire page and cover it with any color I chose. I could even add to the picture if something was missing. It didn't have to be perfect, just colorful. I delighted in the act of coloring.

As I got older, I concentrated on coloring inside the lines, and choosing my colors carefully to make the picture show artistic skill.

My actions became more about the end product than the process.

If I made a mistake and colored outside the line drawing, or used the wrong color in the wrong place... I'd discard that effort. Only the perfectly colored pictures would end up hanging on the wall or given as a gift.

Now I'm a grown-up - or at least I'm supposed to be.

Color in my life is still important and I have more color in my life than what’s on my walls. Color can manifest far more on the intangible than the exterior, physical part of life.

A colorful life can come from a diverse group of friends, or exhilarating experiences. Color in life can come from learning new things, or growing in a skill.

Encouragement can be a whole rainbow of colors to enhance a relationship.

What if you were to grow in your ability to encourage? What more could be added to your relationship with your spouse if you used encouragement like the box of crayons you had as a child?

You’re telling me that you already encourage.

I believe you.

However, are you careful to stay within the boundaries when encouraging your spouse - using only the tried and true?

That would be like only using a few crayons out of the rainbow pack. We're used to blue, green, yellow, and red and we stick with those colors. What would every color look like - all together - on the page?

Imagine filling your entire spousal relationship canvas using the colors of encouragement.

What effect can the right color have?

color can cheer
color can draw attention
color can enhance a drab interior or exterior
color can soothe
color can rejuvenate
color can change perspective
color can envelope

And encouragement can do all those things too.

Inspiring with HOPE can brighten your future.
Fortifying with FAITH can draw attention to God
Fostering with Unconditional LOVE can enhance the interior & exterior of any marriage
Uplifting with persistent PRAYER can soothe fears
Supporting with joy-filled ZEAL can rejuvenate a tired spirit
Stimulating with NEW INSIGHT can change perspective in situations
Validating with INTIMATE KNOWLEDGE can envelope your spouse with acceptance

Add a little encouragement color to your relationship!

Be bold – I challenge you to use all the colors in the box, to color outside the lines and really make an impact!

Water with Encouragement

2008-09-17T11:32:00.009-04:00

My house plants get a lot of exercise.

They wilt.

They revive.

They wilt, and they revive once more.

What's the miracle that brings back their strength?

Water. It's a simple thing, yet vital to a plant's ability to live.

In life, we face challenges that can make us wilt.

The drive to succeed can run out of steam.

A will to thrive can sputter to a halt.

The ability to get up, one more time, after a disappointment can seem impossible.

Have you or your spouse ever felt wilted - unable to rebound? What can revive your spouse's drive?

A drink of cool, clear, refreshing Encouragement might make the difference.

Encouragement can take the form of hope - telling your spouse you'll be together to build a bright future. Talking and planning for the future can revive the desire to succeed.

Encouragement can take the form of faith - reminding your spouse of the greatness of God, and how God can make a difference in your lives. Encouragement ends in the letter "t". The shape of the cross. Bringing your spouse (literally or figuratively) to a point they can experience Christ will encourage them.

Encouragement can take the form of love - love that's based on who your spouse is, not a reflection of their behavior. Showing love through intimate, physical touch can encourage them.

Encouragement can take the form of prayer - the silent prayer between God and you, asking the One who can change circumstances for help. Or letting your spouse hear you pray for them - that will bring encouragement.

Encouragement can take the form of joy-filled zeal - the pitching in with physical labor, the lending a hand in a practical way, or the simple act of "being present" for your spouse is a way to encourage.

Encouragement can take the form of new insight - ideas and suggestions, research into a problem, or referring them to someone who has been in their situation will encourage your spouse.

Encouragement can take the form of validating them with your intimate knowledge - you know your spouse best. You're an expert on your spouse. Help them see themselves through your eyes - give them a picture of the amazing person you know.

7 ways to give your spouse a needed, and life-giving drink of water - Encouragement.

If you encourage your spouse more than I water my plants... maybe you'll even prevent a wilting of their spirit!

What does the mirror reflect?

2008-09-03T10:08:00.014-04:00

I've been "lurking" - reading and being encouraged - on a forum since December. It's connected to a Christian web-site for mothers at home and their purpose is to encourage women in their profession of motherhood.

On this forum I read a thread called "Dh (dear husband) Praises". Amazing.

These ladies were looking at their husband's behavior and noticing the good stuff. This good stuff included everything from taking care of children, to doing household chores, to reaching out to comfort and include someone, to earning an income to provide for their family and more. Sometimes I could tell some wives forced themselves to search for the good - and it wasn't easy - yet they were successful in finding it.

I've never met these ladies or their husbands. However, through their praises I "saw" a reflection of these men. These reflections showed me good men - men who were valued.

Now I have a question for you.

How does your spouse appear using the mirror of your words?

When you talk about your spouse to friends, co-workers, family or the store clerk, what impression will those people take with them? Are you reflecting a positive image of your spouse?

I can hear you now -telling me that you're so frustrated with all the things your spouse can't or won't do - you're telling me how disappointed you are - you're telling me you want what you used to have and why can't it be like that again - you're telling me how afraid of the future you are if things stay the same. I hear you. I do.

Is reflecting all the concerns, negatives, and disappointments helping you in any way? Is it making things better?

Yes, I know we all need to vent and unburden ourselves at times, or we'll b-l-o-w. I'm no different.

That's where a strong prayer life - an intimate connection with God - fills the void. I unburden myself to Him. I complain, and lament, and rage, and plead, and mutter ... but when I'm done I force myself to find something to be thankful about. That's why that thread, and those ladies on the forum who praised their husbands touched my heart so deeply.

So. Here's my question again - How does your spouse "look" in the mirror of your words?

If the reflection of your spouse isn't a positive one, it's in your power to change it.

Reflect the good stuff. Search for the good stuff. Make it a habit to only talk about the good stuff to others. Practice this long enough and you'll see the "new" reflection too ...

And wouldn't that change your life? Become your spouse's mirror - reflect only the positive.

Practice Gratitude

2008-07-31T17:09:00.010-04:00

When was the last time you were thankful for your spouse? Thankful for the person he or she is - character traits, talents, attitudes, actions and words ...

Today?

Yesterday?

Last week, or month? Maybe last year... what about in the last 10 years?

It doesn't matter when last you practiced being thankful - what matters is that you begin now. Yes. Now. Right now.

And what's one powerful way to express this gratitude - this thankfulness for your spouse? Take action in prayer. Tell the One who provided. Begin with Him.

If you talk to God about how thankful you are for your spouse, you'll focus on what's right in your marriage - it'll uplift you. And if you're praying with your spouse and they hear you, you'll encourage them also.

So, now it gets personal... what sort of things are you thankful for in your spouse?

Here 's what some couples I've spoken with list as things they're thankful for in their spouse:

how he brings her Hershey's with Almonds

how she makes the food he likes, just the way he likes it

how he's fair & non-judgemental

her patience

his work ethic

how he makes her laugh, even in the worst times

how she always pays the bills

knowing that she prays for him

knowing that he likes to play board games

Thankfulness in big things - thankfulness in little things... it doesn't matter. Just be thankful.

I challenge you to make your own list, and the next time you pray with your spouse express this thankfulness. (What if all you did in your prayer is give thanks?)

It might become a habit - to uplift each other with persistant prayer.

Prayer - another way to encourage your spouse.

Seeds of Hope

2008-07-21T13:37:00.007-04:00

Being able to look forward with anticipation ...

Having the expectation that good will happen ...

Working toward a goal that will build up ...

How developed is your ability to hope?

Hope is like a seed - it has all the elements to grow into something wonderful if nurtured. How can you nurture hope in yourself and your spouse?

Recently I found a lovely little product in a gift shop: "Seeds of Hope"

They are 12 little cards with an affirmation on each card - all so you can nurture hope. Here's a couple of examples:

"When you choose love over fear, hope will surprise you with new possibilities."

"Fill your heart with hope. Anything is possible!"

The description on the package is "This little packet is full of encouragement. With it you can stoke your heart. Be reminded how much you are treasured. And wrap yourself in hope, tender as a hug."

In addition to these 12 - 3x3 sized cards, there are also seeds. Yes. Real seeds to plant.

Lovely.

If you're interested - go to http://www.gentlyspoken.com/ to learn more.

I'm not selling anything, nor do I know this person, or receive anything... it's just a product I fell in love with! Sometimes I need help keeping my own hope alive!

Do you raise up - or cross out?

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Imagine a paper - 8 1/2 by 11, white - with a signature written on it.

Now imagine preparing to draw a line on the paper. One straight line drawn horizontally across the page. What do you do with your line?

The line is you & that special, unique signature is your spouse.

We can either support our spouse's signature with our line - or we can cross it out.

Our spouses want us to support them. It's important to them that we notice and value their talents and positive qualities. Doing that we raise them up.

However, at times (sometimes even without realizing) we cross them out. How?

Criticism crosses them out - especially in public.
Doubt in their abilities crosses them out.
Busyness crosses them out.
Indifference about their dreams crosses them out.

There's more - but you get the idea. It's not a violent act, it's not always a premeditated act, but it does cross them out, instead of supporting them.

Be the line under your spouse's signature - raising them up, supporting them - not crossing them out!

A simple gesture, done consistently...

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Speaks Volumes!

An interesting (at least to me) concept has cropped up while I've been asking married couples this month to tell me the way they communicate their love to their spouse..

Couples will often have a gesture - or two - that has developed over time to communicate their love. Their solidarity. Their "couple-hood".

It takes a little while to uncover these gestures. When I first ask the couples they usually can't think of anything. They'll laugh, and shrug. They'll look at each other and smile.

Eventually they might suggest something small in a hesitant voice, assuming what they do can't be that important. Or we'll continue talking and I'll notice how they react to a shared story - and comment on the gesture they use. The couple will be surprised to realize that they do use this regularly.

Here's a few simple, consistent gestures some couples do to show their love to each other:

- a good morning kiss
- the ASL sign "I love you" across a crowded room
- knuckle to knuckle "punch" when in agreement
- a special wave (hand motion) when leaving
- a neck massage every now and again when driving long distance
- holding hands when walking

It's really interesting to see how spouses show their love - sometimes with gestures that are unconscious and unplanned, yet consistent.

How do you encourage your spouse with a simple, consistent gesture? Let me know - email Lori@EncourageYourSpouse.com!

Know what makes your spouse feel special!

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Recently I spent time with a couple who have been married for 53 years. They still hold hands.

As I sat with them following dinner I looked over, and their hands were clasped. 53 years married, 6 children, 16 grandchildren and 3 great-grandchildren - and they hold hands.

What's kept them together, holding hands, and respecting each other? Probably lots of things, however one story stood out.

They had six small children, one income, and times were tough. He worked hard in his profession, and also served as a minister on weekends and visited church members every evening. She was responsible for things at home.

Imagine being a young mom with your husband working all day, and helping other people on the weekends and during the evenings... Yet she knew she was special and valued - despite very little time or money. How?

After visiting church members into the late evening, he would stop by a convenience store and buy a coconut covered, individual sized cake. He would present it to her. Just her.

She called it a "ho-ho", and I've since learned its name is a Hostess® Sno Ball®. It became America’s most famous pink snack cake, and celebrates 60 years as one of America’s favorite treats.

So what really happened that she felt special? Was it the cake? Not really.

He made the conscious decision to think about her - and took action to show it.

When was the last time you deliberately took action to give something to your spouse they valued - to make them feel special?

Don't tell me you don't have the money. Money is not required. Knowledge of your spouse is ...

First - understand what your spouse values - what makes them feel special. Next, you need to take action.

Intimate Knowledge - then action. It's one way to encourage your spouse.

Inspire with Hope - being an optimist will help!

2008-05-12T11:06:00.010-04:00

According to research there's only a 25% chance you've been born with an optimist's DNA ...

However, there's a whole group of people walking around this planet choosing to look at the good in life - hoping for a great future.
We choose how we're going to behave. Are you choosing to be an optimist?

Here's why being optimistic will help you inspire yourself and your spouse with hope ...

1) If you are optimistic, you're more likely to set goals - having hope for a great future.

2) If you are optimistic, your goals will lead you to develop (new) skills, and practice those skills to achieve your goals. Taking action toward your goals is a sign of an optimist.

3) If you are optimistic, your new, practiced skills will create a feeling of "flow"* - of being competent, and in control. Then you'll enjoy successful outcomes.

4) If you are optimistic, your successful outcomes will make you feel and act with joy, leading you to more hope for a greater future.

It's a cycle - become an optimist and inspire with hope! Encourage your spouse.

To learn more go to www.encourageyourspouse.com

* Flow is a concept proposed by positive psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályi.

A summary - 7 ways to encourage your spouse.

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Inspire with Hope -
"I believe we can build an incredible future together."

Fortify with Faith
"I contribute strength to your belief in God."

Foster with Unconditional Love
"I demonstrate creatively how much love, without limitations and conditions, weaves our life together."

Uplift with Persistent Prayer
"I pray for you, and with you, releasing everything into God's care."

Support with Joy filled Zeal
"I'm working beside you - with energy & a willing attitude - building a great life together."

Stimulate with New Insight
"I'm primed to provide new ideas and information to energize our life together."

Validate with Intimate Knowledge
"I know who you are. I know your needs, fears, joys & what motivates you. I value you."

Something was missing ...

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What was missing?

It was the 3rd deliberate action you can take to show encouragement!

LOVE

Foster with Unconditional Love

Loving your spouse may begin as the easiest action in marriage and end up, because of life tensions, the most difficult to sustain. Imagine love as the warp and weft of a fabric - and then enveloping your spouse in that fabric woven following the pattern found in 1Corinthians 13:4-7.

This is the third of 7 deliberate actions to show encouragement.

Validate with Intimate Knowledge

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Encouragement can come from knowing your spouse

- inside and out -

by being the person able to finish their sentences

and instinctively understand their motivations.

What if you could identify what your spouse needed - physically, mentally and emotionally? If you use intimate knowledge in a postive way, your ability to encourage will deepen - from a puddle to a bottomless well.

This is the 7th deliberate action to show positive encouragement.

Stimulate with New Insight

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Idea sparks - iron sharpens iron. Engergizing new information.

New Insight will stimulate excitement for on-going acitivites, and illuminate new avenues. Share new ideas and use those ideas to keep your life together interesting and future focused. New Insight will create a brilliant firework display designed to vitalize your marriage encouragement.

This is the sixth, of 7 deliberate actions to show positive encouragement.

Support with Joy Filled Zeal

2007-11-27T09:45:00.002-05:00

Action uncovers values. Action enhances values.

How can you uncover and develop your shared values to create a marriage blueprint including these values? Have you ever sat down with your spouse and done a value analysis?

There are couples who constructed an immense shared purpose by leveraging their values and built a marriage blueprint using joy-fill Zeal.

You can support your spouse with joy-filled zeal to encourage them.

This is the fifth of 7 deliberate actions to show positive encouragement.

Uplift with Persistent Prayer

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Sharing problems, fears and concerns with God can encourage your spouse - they'll feel secure when prayer becomes the first line of defence.

Prayer will provide release - other couples use prayer as a way of encouraging each other. Prayer can raise your marriage encouragement to new heights.

Spouses can use persistent PRAYER to lift up each other - secure in the knowledge they pray for, and with each other, seeking God's will for their life together.

This is the fourth of 7 actions to show positive encouragement.

Fortify with Faith

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Encouragement can come from dong everything possible to build a deep, abiding faith in God - then sharing in word and action this faith with your spouse.

Faith is personal - unique to each person. How can you use your unique faith to encourage your spouse - without "preaching"? Be encouraged yourself - faith can be used to enhance your marriage, and we'll explore how.

This is the 2nd of seven ways to show positive encouragement.

Inspire with Hope

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Encouragement can come from the belief

there will be something good in the future.

Listlessness,

lack of positive future focus,

and a stagnant, disinterested outlook

have no place in an encouraging marriage.

Spouses can use HOPE to inspire each other

– hope for a bright, interesting future together.

This is the first of seven ways

it’s possible to show positive encouragement.

If Peace in marriage was described using music...

2007-10-14T14:07:00.002-04:00

In music, harmony is the pleasing blending of notes to enhance the melody.

In marriage, peace provides a harmony to compliment purpose.

If spouses have purpose in their marriage, then peace becomes the satisfying note to give purpose added dimension. Using music to illustrate peace, harmony would be like consonance in intervals - notes that sound pleasing when played at the same time. The notes sound stable. Peace provides stability.

In addition, peace is not passive - it's an active state. Think of a line of harmony in a song (alto, tenor, or bass). Harmony doesn't remain on one note regardless of the melody; rather it follows the melody, creating a pleasing distinction. Just as peace can follow a couple through their life, complimenting new experiences.

How can you tell when peace is a part of marriage? It shows by how each spouse knows and accepts the underlying motivation of the other - regardless of outward actions. Peace provides stability. Each spouse is secure in their understanding of the other's decisions, because they are united in purpose. Peace provides the harmony to the melody of purpose.

Every marriage can have harmony. However, in music there is more than one style of harmony. Will your marriage harmony be like consonance, which can be compared to peace? The other concept in music harmony is called dissonance - where the interval between notes is uncomfortable. That interval isn’t considered stable according to a musical dictionary.

consonance - notes put together to sound stable, and pleasing to the ear

dissonance - notes that are uncomfortable together - the listener's ear is waiting for a change of note to make the sound comfortable

You’ll have to take a look at your marriage and decide what kind of interval and harmony you’d like to live. My desire is that both of you will feel & learn the interval of consonance, thereby the peace of harmony in your marriage.

Shared harmony equals shared peace.

A note on peace: The most precious peace is from God, through Christ Jesus. Only He can give true peace. Read John 14:25-27 to begin to understand that peace.

Join me next time, as I introduce the first of - 7 deliberate actions - using encouragement to bring peace and purpose into your marriage relationship.

If Purpose in marriage was like music...

2007-10-13T11:04:00.001-04:00

If purpose in marriage were compared to music,

then purpose would be the melody.

Melody has a direction - a beginning, middle and end. It moves. It soars or plunges and, at some point, it ends. However, there is always more than one melody we love – more than one melody we want to repeat or learn. Melody is like purpose in a marriage. There are times when a purpose comes to an end, and it’s time to find and begin a new purpose.

Think of a piece of music currently on the radio or from your childhood. Chances are it's the melody you remember. It’ll be the melody you hum. A familiar melody can evoke emotion – the remembered joy of an experience, or the poignant memory of a time that can’t be repeated.

Purpose in your marriage is like the melody of a song. If you sing the same melody, it'll be a testimony to your life together. And as you continue your marriage journey, you’ll begin, travel through and end a number of activities that will unite you in purpose. Those purposes will highlight the unique offerings of two souls united.

Sometimes melody is in a major key - that's the joy and inspiration of the happy times – the successes.

Other times melody is in a minor key - that's the sorrow and trial everyone must work through.

In life, others will hear your marriage melody and take joy in it. Maybe, as they encounter similar life challenges, they'll try to learn your unique marriage melody and adapt it to their marriage.

In the end, all of our marriages – no matter what season they’re in - have a melody. My desire is that each spouse hums the same melody at the same time - a marriage melody on tune and in key!

Shared Melody equals shared Purpose!

My goal for this blog is to...

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teach wives and husbands
that are committed to a future together
to use the power of encouragement
- there are 7 deliberate actions they can take-
to bring peace and purpose
into their marriage relationship.

If you want to know more go to http://www.encourageyourspouse.com/ , or come back to learn more about each of the seven deliberate actions and how you can use them in your marriage!

My Purpose at Encourage Your Spouse

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My purpose

is that they may be

encouraged in heart

and united in love...

Colossians 2:2 NIV